|"Failure: When your best isn't good enough"|
Friday, June 3, 2011
My husband is a perfectionist. That is a really hard thing to live up to. As his wife, who is admittedly NOT perfect, it's exhausting to try to keep up with the needs to fulfill my husband. Tonight it was the lights. My husband doesn't like paying for lights on in a room that no one is occupying. I completely understand and respect this, but I fault and lights get left on all. the. time. He goes around in a huff and a puff nagging as he turns off the lights and just expresses how he doesn't understand why it's so hard. Lights on in the big picture is a very small thing, but there are many many MANY intricacies that drive my husband up the wall and he seems to like to concentrate on those things, instead of looking for the good. As his wife, I do *strive* to improve in all ways, but at the end of the day, I wonder who I am true to? I am not perfect, I will never be perfect, and my hope that trying to improve is good enough is just falling short. When I think I have gotten better at something, he will find the one time I mess up and notice it. My best analogy is that I am on a treadmill at full speed sweating to keep up! Never catching up and always feeling less than good enough. How do you live with not being "good enough" for your spouse? He never seems happy with me. He seems as though I make his life so much more difficult. Is it him? I want it to be just "his" problem. I want to believe I can be happy with who I am, but when the ones closest to you pick and pick and pick at your wounds, it's hard to scab over and heal. It's lonely in this place.