Monday, February 27, 2012

Rapture of sickness!

Started last Tuesday, I had a cough that morning, it was an abnormal, make you go "hmm?" type of cough. By the afternoon I was feeling achey and chilled. I picked Acilia up after school and when I asked "How was your day?" she said "Not good!" I asked why, she informed me her head had been hurting all day. Both of us came down with a fever that night. Wednesday was spent with Acilia on the couch and me in bed, I don't remember the last time I spent that much time in bed!Thankfully my mom came and took Miles to her house for a few hours, he was relieved too! He's like his momma, doesn't like to sit home for too long! Thursday came, Acilia popped up ready for the day, fever free and back to herself 100% ! Miles had "the cough" ugh, I counted down with him until the fever came, it took all day, but it did come. I was still down for the count, so I placed a Peapod order so we'd have some fresh groceries to munch on as we camped out healing. Friday was my first day out of bed. With lot's of breaks for resting, I still felt so much fatigue. Miles was completely down for the count. He had it the worst. His fever went up to 102.5 at it's highest, where mine never even broke 100. Miles was so sweet, I went over by him periodically to rub his head and cuddle a bit, he wouldn't talk but he would wiggle his chubby little fingers to my arm or my leg and pat it lovingly. Broke and melted my heart all at the same time! :*)

Saturday came, Miles was feeling a little more perky, but the end of the day he was off the couch completely and playing quietly. Sunday he was back to himself, along with a few crabby whiney moments, but overall he was back! Today Acilia finally went back to school, Miles took a nose dive for the worse. He was growing lethargic as the day went on and I opted to have him take a nap. His temp returned this afternoon. I am so bummed, was hoping this week could be normal, I have midterms next week, need every free moment to study after missing class last week! Little Miles man has a birthday to celebrate on Wednesday! I pray he's back to himself by then so he can enjoy his first REAL birthday!! I have an appointment for him in a little bit, I don't often take my kids to the doctor, we are more the homeopathic route, but I find it strange that a fever is gone for more than 24 hours then returns, so I am ruling out a secondary type infection! Wish us luck, as much as I hate antibiotics, if he's going to have to get them, I'd like to get them started so his chances of feeling good on his birthday are higher!!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

It is upon us

You may or may not recall that I have a son that was born on Leap Day! Cool story indeed! I can't help but find it fun that we are celebrating his 1st birthday this year. First REAL calendar birthday. We have a first birthday planned for him at a cute little place called Fire Zone, not a place I would hold a 1 year old's birthday but totally appropriate for a 4 year old's birthday don't you think? :) All of our family and close friends are invited and it's going to be a party I hope he remembers for many years. IF the party happens. It's scheduled for this Saturday, Acilia and I have been down with a virus (cough, headache, fever, fatigue) since Tuesday. Acilia is feeling much better today (Praise God!!) I am feeling about 50% better, we are praying Miles doesn't get it. If he gets it the party will not go on, if anyone else isn't up to it, the party still goes on! It's like a bride on the wedding day, you can't have a wedding without the bride and groom right? Random analogy, I can blame it on snot brain!

Well, anyway, I know time flies, but the day Miles was born, his first "real" birthday seemed so far off, now it's here, 4 years later, we are counting down to the 29th and looking forward to having lot's of fun with our crazy, loving, crazy, social, crazy, handsome, crazy, friendly, crazy, fun little boy!!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Words from my husband

I came across hubby's status update on Facebook and thought I would share here, coming from the man himself, the patient, the one going through all this, he's a strong man, I am proud of my man and so happy to be a part of his life even during his deepest trials! So, there you have it, our journey on this road continues, will keep updating when anything changes!


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Sad and fearful

I am praying through this time in my life, asking for faith most importantly and that my husband's kidney could be spared for just a bit longer!

Al had his follow up appointment yesterday. The day didn't go quite as well as we hoped, and he ended the day with an impromptu 5 hour chemotherapy treatment. His creatinine is creeping up again and this isn't good. Dr. says that there is some damage to the kidney, which is not good news and that he draws the line at creatinine level 3.5

This is all medical talk and I don't expect you to fully grasp it, so here I try to explain. Al is stage three acute kidney failure. On a scale of 5, this isn't the worst, but it's certainly not good. Al's latest creatinine is 2.0 normal is 1.3-1.7. What happens if it keeps going up? 3.5 is the magical number, at which point Al will be put back on the waiting list to receive another kidney. DidIjustsaythatoutloud? I have so many things going through my mind. First and foremost I think, Dr's are just dr's, they don't know everything there is to know and certainly God can grant bigger miracles than saving an organ in my husband's body. I mean the miracle was in the fact that I, his wife, NOT a blood relative was even a match, so we've got to get more mileage out of it than just a measly 2 years right? I have a large part of me that's calm, thinking, we are being proactive, we are catching this rejection early and we have countless prayers being said on Al's behalf. This kidney has been blessed from every angle and the numbers are just numbers. Sure they tell us things, but every part of me *wants* to be optimistic. That's my job. I am the silver lining finding type. But, it's taking it's toll on me this time. I am haunted by memories of dialysis days, and all that we went through as a couple and I can't help but think of all it taught us, but I am not ready to be a part of that again, and I am certainly not ready to watch my husband deteriorate again like last time. I don't feel strong enough to watch him suffer, and I don't have the answers when he asks "Why can't I just be normal?" I don't know what to say. It plain old sucks and if I am being honest, he doesn't deserve to have this be a reality in his life. He's such a good guy and it's just not fair. I hate seeing him go through this. I am helpless, he is helpless, we are helpless. It's out of our hands, all he can do is keep taking his pills, keep showing up for treatment, and keep getting those labs drawn. A friend of our's sees a natural doctor, I am seriously considering calling for a consultation. Not to replace any treatment he's receiving, but to add to, you know, to raise the odds of beating the bully inside of his body that is fighting the kidney I gave my husband. I am so thankful his body is healthy enough to fight, and I am thankful that the treatments didn't make him violently ill like they were supposed to. The doctors were actually quite surprised that he handled the first round of treatments so well, apparently they were some really high doses! But, his body is too healthy, it's taking the gift I gave to him, and it's attacking it like it's a foreign invader! STOP IT cells! Stop rejecting the piece of me that I gave to my husband to save his life! He deserves to be healthy, he deserves to work hard like he wants to to support his family, he deserves a good life.

Monday, February 13, 2012

The voice of hope

Disclaimer: When I get these little inspirations to write about serious topics it's not because I want to condemn or judge anyone, it's to be the voice of hope that *someone* could need.

I am reading a book called "Unplanned" by Abby Johnson. This book is a must read in my opinion.

The topic of abortion is such a heart sensitive topic. I remember going on chat boards as a youngen fighting tooth and nail, that's where it ended though. My passion hasn't changed, my opinion hasn't changed, but what has changed is my COMPASSION. As a younger version of myself, I used to think I could never ever associate with anyone that had had an abortion. Little did I know I would know people, that I would form friendships with these people and then find out that they had had one. Little did I know I can't turn my back on a friend who has opened their heart to me to share something so private. Little did I know that the decision to face an abortion was going to be in my hands one day. That decision came with my first pregnancy. It was unplanned and it took me by complete and utter shock. I *knew* I was being irresponsible about protecting against pregnancy, and I *knew* pregnancy was a possibility, one that I always thought I would be totally fine with! Until it happened. My world crashed and in my depths of despair, I had that choice. The choice to either allow the life inside of me to continue, or to "take care of it" in the way that so often is the path that's chosen. I even called a local clinic to obtain information. Then something inside of me burned, I knew deep down I could never go through with an abortion. It wasn't part of my make up and I knew I couldn't live with that forever. But the situation I was facing was still there. My whole life felt out of control because I was pregnant and I felt desperate. My consistent argument was adoption was the best option for an unplanned pregnancy. It was time for me to live through that statement. It was clear to me that abortion was not the route, but I could see myself giving a baby up for adoption. I could be that person in a yearning couple's life that could give them the gift that they had been hoping, waiting and praying for. I like to be that person, the one to help others, and adoption seemed like it would help ME too. Help me get out of this predicament that I had gotten myself into. I contacted our local adoption agency, I had a meeting with someone from their agency at a local library. It was surreal to me to be talking about my options as a mother, in a private room in such a public place, but I went with it. I can't recall my exact feelings after that meeting, but I do recall the choice I made. I made the choice to keep my baby. Once that choice was real, I stepped into mom mode and worked my way through my pregnancy, preparing to be a mom and accepting the fact that this was what I wanted all along, it was just such a scary, uncertain time that it took me a while to grasp reality happening as it was. That pregnancy resulted in the birth of my little girl Acilia. She is almost 9 years old, she is my little clone and I can not even for one second imagine my life without her. This post wasn't intended to be a "personal story" but that's the way the wind blows sometimes, and this is what you get. My thoughts on abortion have always been that it's avoidable. I don't get into the "laws" of whether it *should* be legal or not, I get into the heart. If there is a situation where you feel the only way out is abortion, I just beg and plea that you consider the "after". Abortion is not an easy answer, I read stories all of the time about women that have them and then are not prepared for the physical or emotional distress that comes afterwards. The empowerment comes in the CHOICE. You aren't less of a woman for choosing NOT to abort. You saw life as something worth allowing to happen. If you are reading this, and you have had an abortion, my prayer is that you have found peace. Peace deep within. Peace to accept that you made a choice that can't be changed. Life moves forward, your past is the past. I pray that because of that choice, you have learned something valuable as a result. Life is about experience and learning and growing.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

One word; little update

Patience is my word for 2012, I am full of impulse, it's my nature, so I felt it was important to bring it down a few levels and focus on patience. I've been hot to move from the house we live in since Miles was born. He is going to be 4 in a few short weeks. The entire time, I've been pushing to move, without logic. Without a plan. Let's just find a house and then figure out how to sell our's type of mentality. That's all backwards and clearly it hasn't worked, considering we sit here, 4 years later, still in the same place. In true patience fashion, I've stepped back a little and tried to bring some logic in to the mix. Thinking about what's our best option for this time in our life. A plan is imperative, you can pray over it, you can save for it, you can prepare for it. Now with a clearer head, I can see there is a possibility that I have figured it all out to work and to officially put our house up for sale in exactly one year. This plan makes sense from all angles and I have asked God to allow me to put my faith in this plan. In the meantime, I have to have patience. The impulsive part of me is going nuts, but the planner and logical side is thrilled to finally have a plan. A real plan, not a rushed, make this work type of plan.

On the note of patience, I am really struggling to get through my A&P requirements. I am in the second semester of a two semester class so I am well over half way done and can put this class behind me, but each and every class is a challenge. It's a Tuesday/Thursday night class and the exams are pure torture!! As I work through it though, I find a little more peace, a little more achievement in my heart. It is taking my patience in the process to stick it out and remember the goal that is at stake. Nursing school next year won't happen unless I work my way through the mud when it comes. It's taking lot's of patience.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

I'm haunted

I'm haunted by this and am a little embarrassed to admit it, but the truth is I wanted a chance to explain myself and that didn't happen today and now it's over and I am pretty sure I won't get a chance without looking like a weirdo to explain myself so here goes; I will explain here :)

This morning I was dropping Miles off at school. We were at the sink washing hands when another mom said to me "You guys always look so nice!" I was surprised by the comment to be honest and babbled something about how it must be because we get up so early (WHAT THE HECK!?!? That doesn't even make sense) and I went on to stumble over something as I backed up to make my random comment. Cue the embarrassment! Miles finished up his hand washing and drying and we walked away to pursue the day.

I walked out and immediately felt "haunted" by my comment. I had one of those thoughts about how I would have TOTALLY responded differently and put together my response for when I saw her at pick up. It went something like this, "I am embarrassed by my random reaction to you when you complimented us this morning. I don't even think I said thank you! So thank you, it was very sweet of you to say and I appreciate it so much!!"

This isn't a big deal in the whole midst of life, but it got me thinking about how we present ourselves in public. I used to enjoy getting Acilia ready for school, she was in afternoon preschool so we had leisure time in the morning to pick adorable outfits and do her hair really cute, I loved it! Nowadays though, we are rushed in the morning and let's face it, boys just aren't as fun to dress, his wardrobe isn't even a 1/4 of what Acilia's was when she was his age and that was something I came to terms with, so this morning hearing "You guys always look so nice" just really threw me off. In a good way of course :) I should have just said "THANK YOU!" Couldawouldashoulda!!

I do feel like an idiot now!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Happy heart

Today was a special day. As Al and I sat on the side lines of Acilia's first ever cheerleading game, I had so many sweet emtions passing through me. The memory of being in her place, saying the same cheers that she had learned. The memories of watching games as a child. The memories of being in grade school. The thoughts of the future flooded me, the thoughts that one day maybe Miles will choose a sport that he likes and Al and I can sit on the sidelines watching him play too. The future of Acilia enjoying many years of cheerleading, just like I did. And the future of Al and I sitting on the sidelines just taking in the gifts God has given to our children to enjoy! I have waited so patiently for this day. The day that my daughter would want to be a cheerleader. I have never pushed her to be something she was not, but I secretly hoped that one day she would want to be a cheerleader. There is so much about cheerleading that I really love, the uniforms, the pep, the games, the friendship, the spirit, the cheers, the jumps, the everything. Now my daughter has chosen to be a cheerleader. Today was the first game of the season, her first ever time cheering aside from practice, and she thoroughly enjoyed it! She's been showing us cheers, she's growing in confidence and she is melting her momma's heart!

Friday, February 3, 2012

Last update

Clearly this isn't the end of our story, however the chapter of the last week and a half has officially closed! Al had his last two treatments on Monday and Wednesday, Wednesday more labs were drawn revealing to us that Al's creatinine is down to 1.5 from 2.2 (EXCELLENT NUMBER!!) and his GFR number is up to 52 from 39 (ANOTHER EXCELLENT NUMBER!!!!) Long story short the treatments worked, the countless prayers worked and Al is officially on the mend! This is hopefully something we won't experience again, and I am hopeful that is the case! Signing off!!