Friday, July 30, 2010

Is it wrong to want a companion?

I spend a lot of time feeling heartfully separated from my husband. We are worlds apart most of the time and I wonder if there is a way we can make it so we are just "towns apart" I would settle for that. I ask him to come with me and the kids; 96% of the time he won't come. He has other things to do. When we are graced with his presence, it's tense; not every single time, but more often than not. We parent differently, I work so hard not to step on his words as he says them, even when I don't agree with them. He still feels I don't try at all and that he and his feelings are overlooked.
I have a few days here and there where I am hopeful that there is something worth saving in this marriage. I mostly hold onto the fact that we have a family together and that God did not intend divorce. I pray a LOT about this, too much if you ask me, my brain never stops. When I do settle down a bit and let my guard slip away, something immediately happens and the guard is put back up. I just want a companion. Someone that can hang with me and have fun with me, agree with one another on what to do. Just want it easier. It doesn't have to be perfect, but all of this difficult just gets me down. Is it too much to ask for a companion? I thought that's what a marriage was about. Two people, coming together as one. To lift one another up and love inspite of the flaws. To enjoy time together and not have it be tense.
I just want a companion.

Sunday, July 25, 2010


I am aching, literally for a 3rd child. My ovaries flutter at the thought of producing an egg each month to be fertilized so my childrearing days are complete. I've always wanted three children. 3-5 years apart. I wanted a girl first and then envisioned 2 boys. Baby making has gone according to my plan in the past. Acilia, our firstborn was the girl I had hoped for. Miles was conceived when Acilia was the age of 4. It was truly perfect. Acilia was asking for a baby brother or sister a few months before her 4th birthday. She wanted so badly to be a big sister. I took a pregnancy test the day of her 4th birthday and had a bright and clear positive. I remember telling Acilia the great news. It was the day of her birthday and we were downstairs alone, I told her I had a secret. I whispered in her ear "Mommy has a baby in her belly" she backed away looked me in the eyes and then looked down at my stomach. She smiled.

Acilia was born a "revlon model" with luscious red lips made for lipstick! That's what the delivery room nurses told us anyway :) She was a joy to have as an only child until we were to expand our family! Then right on cue came...

Miles whose been a sheer joy since the day of his birth. Sweet and friendly and a ray of sunshine! Truth is, I've been ready for number 3 since Miles was born! We've waited and now with Miles nearing the age of 3, there is no denying baby fever! Miles will be three by the time next baby comes, and it's just "time". Only problem is Al is not onboard :(
He sends me mixed signals. He knows how much I want another child; so he points out teeny tiny precious babies and mom's with large round bellies that are swelling with their growing infant! Al says two is enough, and we are blessed to have one of each (boy and girl) that's not enough for me!! I've always wanted 3, I have a deep rooted desire to have our last child and then move on to the next stages of parenthood.

I may be bias, but I happen to think they are quite a cute duo :) I can just picture a third child fitting in perfectly!

Siblings by blood; buddies by choice!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

You Capture!- Play

Matchbox car racing...

Acilia and her best friend playing horses

Miles playing the congas

Friday, July 23, 2010


I am satisfied with the new background, what do you think? :)

Bear with me

My blog is in disarray! I feel like I just moved into a new home and have nowhere to place my things! Incase you have noticed my background is not as it was. I didn't choose to change it, it vanished into thin air and I am forced to search for a new, suitable for me background. Patience :)
Oh and when I settle on something, please feel free to tell me what you think!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

You Capture!- Black and White


Seriously one of my favorite ways to see pictures is "Black and white" they are so crisp and classic!! And by the way, I must note that I could literally post a hundred pictures and as I am downloading the three I chose, I am breaking out in a bit of a sweat because I want to do more! Thank GOD there is no time today :) Enjoy!
Here are my black and whites :)

A photo of my son, he's my precious!

Star Concertinas. Played by my grandpa. The music they bring brings me so much joy. We went last week to sell them because my grandpa passed away and they are not being played. The guys we were showing them to were playing them for a good hour. It was true music to my ears!!

Follow up

A post like my last one my last one is inevitable. I type my *real* feelings as they are occuring. Here's the other side of it: I am working on my marriage, my husband and I together are working on our marriage, WE are together and that is not changing anytime soon. It sucks a LOT of the time, and it gets me down, no doubt. I find fault in my husband, I find fault in what I am doing as a wife and I find fault in the fault that I am finding. It snowballs and it sucks and I am not sure where or when it's going to turn off. I am typing today from a more hopeful place. Hubby and I are having a good few days and though we often times do not agree on things, deep heart rooted things, we are getting along. I found an awesome website, well, I can't say *I* found it, I can say *it found me*. God placed it in my path and I feel like I was just handed a hammer for the nail that needs to be hammered into the wall. The nail that days before I was using a sponge to try to put in the wall. Get my analogy? Tools are needed, tools are necessary, where the tools come from is always changing, but the truth is, God provides those tools. This website is a tool and I am so thankful to have it so I can use it!!
Here it is!
And for the record, it was talked about on the radio station KLOVE. If you don't listen to that radio station I highly suggest you have a listen!! :)

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Dear God help me with this burden!

My life has been happy, joyous, full of zest lately. I have a large burden on my shoulders that hazes the happiness. My mind is always working, even though I am begging it to hush so I can make sense of it all. Marriage is a large part of my life and it's overtaking my happiness. My marriage is not happy. It's a struggle and it's sucking the happiness from other areas. When I speak with others, I am on the same page. Marriage is work. That much is normal. When I speak in detail about *my* marriage, I am told in no uncertain terms that what I am experiencing is quite abnormal. We have struggled since the beginning almost 6 years ago, have worked on it for a solid two years when at that point I was making plans to go away. To be done. I feel we are at a point where we are two completely different people and am hopeless as to how we could possibly grow together in harmony. I find myself crying out to Jesus in quiet prayer as I attempt to withhold my tears. I must admit deep down I am incredibly disappointed that I am put in this position. I wonder how much of it I am fabricating and exaggerating in my mind and I wonder what's real anymore. I know that my real heart says that we can't go on this way. We've been in counseling for well over a year now, I feel we are not any better (or worse) than when we started. We are steadily unwell with one another. It makes me fearful of the future, it makes me anxious for the future, I want to see the future and know where this is headed. I crave someone, anyone to tell me what to do. My mind can't take all of this thought and consideration all. the. time. Walking away is just not an option at this point, believe me I have considered all paths. I look back and consider the fact that it's impossible to walk away, so God can reveal to us why we are together. I am aching to learn from this, I am aching to figure out what kind of wife I can be, the wife I am now is not how I want to be. The husband I have is not what I envisioned, yet I am irritated that apparently I didn't spend *enough* time envisioning my future husband or what marriage would be like, or my situation so blatantly clearly would NOT be what it is. This journey is not what I signed up for. This weight on my shoulders is a heavier load than I can handle.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


Something happened recently, I will try to paint a picture....
I was at a train museum with my 7 and 2 year olds. It's a small place in the basement of a museum. There is basically a hallway and a small room. I was doing the multitasking thing that all mom's do, dividing my time between my two kids who's interests are in different areas. My son LOVES trains, he was in the hallway observing the trains. My daughter was in the small room taking advantage of the activities present for kids. There were not many people down there, maybe 3-5 at most. One of them I noticed was a woman with a child about my son's age. My son is very friendly, he was hanging with the little boy. My presence was known; I was with him more than my daughter because his age demands more attention. My mom then came in with my brother's kids and came to me asking if I knew the woman that was holding my son. I didn't know her and questioned what she saw. A lady apparently was holding my son in the hallway by the trains, but near the exit. My mom walked in and heard my son's voice and realized that it him, but it was not me holding him. My mom greeted my son and the woman put him down. She then disappeared after giving my mom a look of disgust/confusion. I described the woman that was downstairs with the little boy my son was socializing with, and my mom thought it was the same woman, however she said she didn't see a boy with her. It was a little unsettling to me, normally people don't pick up children that are not their's. I decided to report it to the museum. Not for anything other than to have some awareness if something were to happen later in the day. They could maybe use what happened with us as a "puzzle piece". Per the museum's suggestion I decided to make a report to the police as well. My deep rooted instinct feels that my son was never in real danger; but I wanted to be on the safe side based on the situation.

Another day, another scene: I was at the pool with my husband and our 2 kids. We were by the lounge chairs amongst a few rows of lounge chairs. Very few people were around as it was dinnertime, and we were ready to leave. I did something most moms have probably done, I held a towel around my daughter to change from her swimsuit to her dry clothes. We were very discreet.

Between the museum and the pool situations, I recently had my lovely husband questioning my parenting skills. OUCH! These circumstances have forced me into taking a deeper look at the way I parent. And I've come to conclude I am the best mom I can be at this time!

I am a mom that wants my kids to get the most that they can out of life. I want them to see the stars and reach for them, I want them to just enjoy life without fear. I tend to sit back and observe my kids from a safe distance to stay out of their way as they play. I enjoy watching them use their resourceful ways and creativity and own skills to figure things out. I am always there to help if needed, but overall I stand back. I try not to hold them back from doing things, even if what I see is a little scary. They are always safe, I ensure safety; but I let them know to test their limits by chearing them on and building their confidence in themselves. Fear is an evil part of life. It stops you from truly feeling and exploring new things. Something that looks scary is many times the most invigorating! Breaking through that fear is often times the most rewarding experience!! I want that for my kids.

I lived the majority of my life with panic disorder. I spent my childhood hiding from "normal" kid things to do. I didn't go on field trips, I ditched class because I felt sick, I even left sleepovers in the middle of the night. I missed out on a LOT. I don't want that for my kids.

Acilia, my oldest seems to have that "first child fearful nature" I believe I am partly at fault for this. She was my first child, I had the time and the eyes to be on her 100% of the time. I didn't let the bath water hit her face, therefore at the age of 7, she still has yet to willingly go underwater, or even get her face wet. Hates it!
My son, age 2, I have taken a different approach. I have been forced to let go of 85%of my germophobia, I am constantly holding my breath as I watch him explore because he is more risky. He is FRIENDLY too! He will go up and say hi to ANYONE. Generally he asks my permission to do so "Momma, say HI?" and I let him, but if I am not within his direct eye sight, he just takes it upon himself to toddle over and promote conversation with anyone and everyone. He stops my heart. I don't want to squash his. He is learning his guidelines. He holds my hand as we cross the street, as I coach him on how safe he is even when he sees a car in the distance, because he has mommy's hand. He is (obviously) not allowed outside by himself at the age of 2, but with him I fear the day he figures out how to open the door on his own!! Acilia, I never would have had to fear that, she would never leave my sight! Just now at the age of 7, she will go play outside on her own, because she has her list of rules (stay in the yard, never go by the street, don't talk to anyone you don't know) and she feels comfortable doing so.

I will admit I internally FREAK OUT when my kids are dirty. Ack ! I can't stand it. The wipes come out and the hand sanitizer too! It's for my own sanity; clearly the kids don't care if they are dirty!! That is something I can't help, so they will have to deal with. Other things though, I want them to feel free; to be kids; kids explore.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

You capture!-America


Nothing says "America" to me like a 4th of July parade, everywhere you look American flags are popping up! Last shot sums it up...God Bless America!!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

The sweet possibilities a passport brings

I got a passport today. I am almost 30 and this is my first ever passport. This is a big deal for me. I have spent a vast majority of my life bogged down with panic attacks. 1st grade started it. A boy threw up in my classrom. Instant panic attack. I thought my world was ending. I couldn't breath, I felt like I needed to run, I felt like I was going to throw up, or pass out or both! This started a long line of letting my disorder stop me from living life. I was not going on field trips with the other kids, I was ditching class to come home because I felt sick in class, I wouldn't travel, I wouldn't do sleepovers, I wouldn't talk to my friends about what was going on, I just learned to hide it, and deal. with. it. Life was fine, I didn't feel like I was missing out. I was content knowing that I had my home close by, and my mom close by the two things that could calm me down when I was feeling anxious. A turning point for me was when Al and I got married. His parents offered to send us on our honeymoon, no cost to us. Instead of being excited, I felt like I was in a tunnel! They told us to choose a place to go, I started saying "no no!!!!" We chose the bahamas. Our trip was all set. I was literally praying something would happen so I could get out of going! Something did happen. A hurricane came through and ripped the roof off the lodge where we were going to stay. We were issued rain checks. Life was busy and my avoidance technique made it so by the time we *could* go again, the rain checks were expired. I was so relieved. Until I realized what I was missing out on. A few years ago, I started Zoloft, and was really working on myself. I wanted anxiety to be a part of my past life, not my future. I was done letting it run my life. I started counseling and taking baby steps to achieve new milestones in freeing myself from the disorder. I was able to eat in restaurants again! Without feeling sick that is. I was able to go into a movie theater and watch a movie and actually ENJOY IT! I slowly was gaining my life back and because of that, I was feeling as though I was experiencing life for the first time! The cool part is, I am experiencing it through a child's eyes. My kids. If I was going to free myself from being tied down with all the habits of avoidance I had created, now was the time!! I needed to enjoy life so my kids could experience life!
Last year marked my 5th year of marriage. We went to Vegas for a few days to celebrate our anniversary. I felt my world open up! I enjoyed the trip so much and the freedom that I felt; it was amazing! I was instantly hooked!! I started listing all the places I wanted to visit, even fantasizing about my ultimate dream trip which I am bound and determined to make it for my 40th birthday. I want to visit Italy. I have a passport now. The sky is my limit!
Why did I get a passport? September my cousin happens to be getting married in a beautiful place in Puerto Vallarta. It's going to be a great trip! Al and I are bringing our 7 year old daughter along, we are staying at a resort with my brother and sister in law and one of their 4 children, who happens to be the flower girl in the wedding. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait, mostly because *I* get to travel again, but moreso because my daughter has a passport at the age of 7 and she will be leaving the country with her mom and dad to explore another country! It amazes me and I feel blessed that we can give her what I couldn't give myself at the age of 7.