Sunday, June 24, 2012

A note on respect

Men need respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. 

That much I know. My dad demanded it, and I rebelliously didn't give it. My opinion was and I think deep down still is, "if you want respect, you darn well be giving it!". That opinion didn't get me very far in the "daddy's little girl" department and it certainly is not getting me anywhere in the marriage department. So, I've been enlightened. Men need respect, I have guilt for not respecting my dad when I was a little girl and that guilt runs over into the marriage department when it comes to my husband's need for respect. It is here and now, that I admit, I think I really suck at being respectful. Exhibit A comes when I work my booty off to be a respectful wife and my husband's number 2 complaint is "I get no respect around here". (number 1 complaint is still the budget, ugh! Another failure on my lap because I am working hard to be within budget yet, still not keeping him happy with my money management, another story for another day!)  Pardon me?! How is it that you don't feel respected in your home where your wife has made it a priority to respect you? What the H___ am I doing wrong?! I am at a loss. My idea of respect is listening to what a man has to say and validating his words. I do that. And then I share my opinion. Which quite often is a disagreement. Hubby and I are VERY different. We have differing opinions on many many MANY topics, but does disagreeing with someone mean I am disrespectful? 

Another form of respect is teaching my children to listen to daddy. This is a tricky one because I do the majority of the parenting around here. It's my field, being the stay at home mom, I am the one that is with the kiddos countless hours and I rule the roost around here, when dad is not around. When dad is around, I bend over backwards to ensure my kids are not pushing his buttons and are listening to his commands. They are not fools though, they do see him calling for my help when he is attempting discipline and then it starts to go south. If mom gets called in to help, guess what, mom's rules apply then. End of story. Except, then I have a husband that feels disrespected AGAIN. Double edge sword anyone?

I am in a predicament. I've been walking around with the burden of confusion for far too long. I am getting mixed signals from my husband, the only clear signal is that I am not living up to his standards as a wife, and that's a tough pill to swallow, considering I try my best and my best is not enough. The man is never happy and he looks to me to make him happy. That's a lot of pressure. I feel like I may crack under all this pressure. This here post was a little vent and though it doesn't feel any better to get the words out, especially in a public way, it certainly helps me to clear my thoughts and see them written. Writing is my therapy. I borrowed a book from the library last week, it's a fabulous book, one that was recommended by my Pastor a few years ago, yes, I am a little late with taking his advice to read this book, but I am glad I did finally start reading it. It's got great perspective. The book is called "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud. If you haven't read it, I suggest it! 


  1. Once upon a time, I was going to lend you my copies of For Men Only and For Women Only. I haven't read them yet myself, but I think they talk about how women want love and men want respect. If I were still in Illinois, I'd come bring them to you...

    1. I saw those at the library! I think I will pick them up there...I am only about a quarter of the way through Boundaries in Marriage. The information is so good, I am trying to read slowly so I can soak it all up! Thanks for the offer!

  2. I've done the For Women Only Bible study, and it was fabulous. I recommend it tremendously. Another wonderful book is REAL MARRIAGE by Mark Driscoll and his wife, Grace.


    Girlfriend, I feel your pain. I've been there with my husband. In my opinion, my mom is the best wife in the whole world. Her and my daddy are so happy. When I got married, my game plan was to mimic her "wife style." Except, my husband didn't seem to value the same things my dad does. My dad's definition of a good wife and my husband's definition of a good wife were TOTALLY different. I was following the only (and best) example I had...and was failing as a wife by my husband's standards. All I could think was... "But I'm trying me best! Why isn't it good enough?!" It was hard. I learned that I had to stop trying to meet my dad's standards of a good wife and START meeting my husbands.

    It's still a's a learning process...and sometimes I feel so confused! BUT, he can tell I try. And I think that makes a big difference. Good luck figuring it all out!

    1. What an insightful lesson! Thanks for sharing! I've heard of that book and have seen them do interviews, it does look like a great book!


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