Dear 9 year old

My 9 year old daughter, you made me a mother. You are the little girl I always wanted. You are my little clone. You are 9 today, yesterday you were 8, time sure is flying. I am enjoying watching you grow up. Each time I look at you, I see your personality growing and your confidence building. It makes my mom heart beat with happiness. You are sunshine, you are a great little girl. You are eager to grow up but have the innocence of a young child. You are sweet to your core. You are becoming your own as you grow up. My prayer for you is you always choose the right path. If you don't though, I am your mom and I will always love you and be there for you. We can get through anything together. I am your mom, but I pray that as you grow you can see me and trust me as a friend as well. I have always dreamed of having a daughter. Having you, has far surpassed my dreams. I have grown as a woman because I am your mother. Your presence created a desire in my heart to get to know the Lord on a much deeper level. Your sweet nature and love for Jesus reminds me how blessed I am to have you. Happy birthday baby girl!

In honor of Acilia's birthday, I've spent the day thinking back to the day she was born. June 20th, 2003 at 1:08 in the morning. Acilia came out with "revlon model" lips as noted by one of the nurses. My labor and delivery was smooth sailing. I prayed my water would break, but it didn't. I was left in the guessing game because I had been dilating the weeks before. At the check up 4 days prior to delivery day, I was 5 cm's dilated and 80% effaced. I felt literally like a walking time bomb. I didn't have contractions, I had NO IDEA when I should make my way to the hospital. A Thursday came up and I had decided by the end of the day if nothing happened, I would go to the hospital anyway. I figured if I was that far dilated, they wouldn't send me away. I started with a low back ache that was quite uncomfortable so I took that as my cue to go in. I walked in to the hospital in my pre-pregnancy jeans, yes, you read that right, the jeans I wore before I was pregnant were the jeans I wore into the hospital to give birth. I was tiny, I gained 11 pounds and my belly looked like I was about 5 months along. I had so many people telling me my baby would be tiny. I knew differently. I have said my whole life I have "triplet bearing hips" and I believed my little girl was just tucked deep inside my large hips :)

I walked in to the hospital got checked and was 6.5 cm's dilated. Clearly I was staying to have this baby. The nurses came in, suggested I get my epidural because my doctor would be coming in to start pitocin and they commented I would want it by the time the pitocin kicked in. I took their advice and even though I didn't feel like I *needed* the epidural, I was fearful of what was to come, so I took it! My anesthesiologist commented about how cheerful I was during the procedure and I couldn't help but giggle. Labor was quite easy and I wasn't sure what was to come, but I was enjoying what I was experiencing so far. I remember being absolutely miserable about the catheter that is standard protocol when you have an epidural. Infact, that was the most discomfort I had felt up to that point! I believe I slept off the discomfort and when I awoke it was time to push! I pushed for 40 minutes, Acilia came into the world and we instantly fell in love! I was embracing my new role as mom and as quickly as it came, things started going wrong. I was bleeding, it was heavy and the mood in the room shifted from joy to alarm. I kept bleeding, I bled a lot, so much so that I was feeling my life drain from me. Everything after that point is foggy but I do recall the "mashing" of my abdomen to be so painful, the pain made me vomit. It was like an out of body experience. Before I knew it, I was in the OR being prepped for an emergency D&C. (I was later told I was very close to having a hysterectomy if the bleeding could not be controlled.) I threw up again in the OR and then the lights went out. I awoke alone in a room. It was mother/baby, but I was not with my baby, I was completely alone. I called my parents house, my brother answered, they had all been worried sick, but apparently my parents were still at the hospital and so was Al. I was brought back to Labor and Delivery, apparently I was delivered to Mother Baby before I was supposed to be there and my whole family was waiting for me in the room I had left. Who knew? It was 7 am when I was finally settled in to the room again and was finally able to see my baby girl. She was almost 6 hours old and I hadn't much time to bond with her. I was still half out of it, but I knew I wanted a breastfeeding bond with her, so I asked if she was ready to eat. She sure was! She latched perfectly right away and I was blissed out again. Until I noticed Acilia's coloring was a little bit blue. I mentioned something to the nurse, I was informed that was not normal and she was whisked away to the NICU. I was finally with my daughter and we were torn apart again!

I was bedridden and still quite of it from the medications/surgery/etc. I don't recall much of the day but that night came around and I still hadn't seen my baby! I demanded someone wheel my bed down to the NICU so I could be with my baby! I was wheeled to the hall outside of her little NICU room, they brought her out to me and set her on my chest. It was then that she took all of the strength her little body could handle and she literally wiggled her way up to my cheek where she nuzzled in and began to suck. It was a moment I will remember forever. My baby and I were meant to be together!

Acilia was probably about 6 weeks in this picture. She was resting comfortably on my bed when she yawned big like a little bird! I happened to catch this moment and I am glad I did! I adore this picture! (The picture was taken of the actual picture so the quality is not great!)