I did something yesterday, I haven't done it in a while, but man it felt good and bad at the same time.
After school, I took the kids to the mall. I bought some clothes for the kids, which is a must have, however, the way I went about paying was where I went wrong. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I did it anyway. Our budget started in January and now that we are 8 months in, I have seen where we need to add more money to get by. Al isn't quite at the point where he agrees to "adding more money" his mentality is "you need to spend LESS" Good point honey. It's a tough balance and having a "shopoholic" in me waiting to climb out at any moment, it's a struggle. Well, I went to the mall, spent a lot of money and I had no cash; therefore it wasn't a "planned ahead" shopping trip which is what Al's preference is, and furthermore, I spent more in that one shopping trip that we have budgeted in a WHOLE MONTH! I pulled out my debit card to pay for not one, but TWO big transactions. I came home with the kids, pleasant with the deals I got on the clothes that they needed (well, they didn't need *all* of them, but that's where my weakness comes in!)
I got home and organized the kids' closet. Found a place for our new finds. Put the bags away and the receipts away and took a sigh of relief that Al didn't come home before I was done.
Here is where I admit that back in the day, I would have left it at that. Al would not have been informed of my spending spree and my prayer was that he wouldn't find out when our statements come because I would have promptly put those away too. (Bad wife! Bad Wife!!)
I've learned how incredibly damaging that can be and how it just kills trust. So, awareness is the first step right?
I knew deep down I needed to come clean about my shopping yesterday. I just have been a little bit on egg shells with Al because he's been working really hard, coming home really tired and doesn't have a lot of time to deal with his wife and her mess ups. We weren't being very kind to one another last night while in bed. I am stressed because I have to get to bed way earlier trying to force my body to realize it's bedtime even though just a few days ago, I was staying up WAY later while enjoying summer. Al watches TV to "settle in" and we constantly disagree on what he watches and how he could keep the volume down a bit. Ongoing dilemma!! I got cranky with him, and in the midst of it, he had the nerve to ask me if I had gone shopping. WHAT?!?! I thought to myself "How did he know" and in a tongue in cheek type of moment, I grunted out "no". God slapped my hand when I said "no" he and I both know that was a flat out lie. That lie haunted me through the whole night, I slept horribly. I didn't even mean to say "no" but I really was exhausted from bantering back and forth with my husband and I just didn't have it in me to have a conversation about how I had screwed up. I promised God that I would make it right and kept tossing and turning while trying to sleep.
The sun is up on this new day and I started it alone. Al was not in bed, he had already left for work. I got Acilia off to school, Miles and I are home doing some things around the house. Al calls me. He had called to apologize for the way he was acting last night "I forgive you and the good news is, you have many more times to keep trying not to do that, I will forgive you then too"
Then I said it "I lied to you last night" it sends shivers just typing it. Lying is a big bad thing and if I hadn't opened with those hard to get out words, when would I have told him? It had to be done, I promised God I would tell him.
I explained that I did infact go shopping, and that I did infact use the debit card when we have agreed to use only the money that is budgeted for shopping and nothing else. He was very kind to me while I explained my crime. I appreciated that. Probably more than he knows.
Marriage is such a balance. It builds on small acts throughout each day, some are bigger than others, but you can not move on until those things are solved. Period.