Tuesday, April 17, 2012

God speaks again

I've had adoption/fostering on my heart in the past. It's something I push back and then it comes back a stronger feeling than before. I have never spoken to Al about this "calling" (not sure yet if it's a calling, but it seems that way) and to be honest, I am fearful. I don't want him to think it's another one of my "Karrie" type things. I have a reputation in my house for being impulsive and at times come up with what others may seem to think are "crazy" ideas. Read a bit into my past: An egg donation at the age of 21. An attempt to change my name to better suit my identity. Giving a kidney to my husband. Considering surrogacy. and the list goes on...my heart is giving. I find creative ways to be as giving as I can be, if I were only responsible for myself, I would be a lot more giving, but I have a family and my husband doesn't quite "get" my heart the way it likes to give. He thinks I am crazy most times, and that's ok with me, however it does stifle my desires a bit because when someone tells me an idea is a little bit crazy, the logical side of me second guesses things. So, now that that's been explained, back to adoption. As you know from my last post, I cleaned out the diaper bag, I am feeling done with having children of my own, but that doesn't necessarily change my thoughts on adoption and how I feel for the many children that need homes. I don't have a heart for "baby" adoption, I have a heart for the older kids. The ones who have a history and could possibly want nothing more than to be in a stable, loving family. A place they can call home. I stumbled upon a website that fueled my curiosity even more. I was able to view profiles of children that are up for adoption right here in the US. My dream would be to adopt a girl about the same age as Acilia, who loves horses, they could share a room together and grow up together. Does that seem crazy? In a sense it's like adopting a playmate for my oldest child. How would that even work?! What about the natural "birth order" in the home, how would Miles feel, would he "want a playmate" too?! What type of baggage would come with adopting a child that is older, a child that has a possible history of trauma or who knows what else. What if the girls didn't "mesh"? What if the adopted child didn't "mesh" with us, the parents? Would it be like a "step parent" situation? Would that child always feel like an outsider in my home? Would I be able to love an older child as I love my own children? The questions are endless, however my heart has once again been awakened to this path and only God knows if this would be a path that should work into our life at some point, and only God can tell me when that time is. The website happened to have a girl listed, who is 13 years old. She was noted as "LOVING HORSES" and it just sparked my interest. I could look into her eyes in her profile and picture her as part of our family. Could we give her a life that's better than she has now? I had already started dreaming of the possibilities when the reality hit, that I have not even spoken to my husband. The man I am married to, the man that would most definitely have to be 100% on board with this for it to even come close to something we pursue. If I could only get over my fears and "Step out in faith" as God often asks us to do. Al is the master of telling me "NO" so I guess that's the worst that could happen, but what if he somehow had the same calling in his heart? Amazing to think about.

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