Saturday, October 13, 2012

One of these doesn't belong...




I can only speak for myself when I use these words, it's different for everyone I would imagine. Depressed. Yes, I feel depressed at times, longer bouts of depression capture me during the winter. I loathe winter. The last few years I've spent some soul time trying to find some things I like about winter and for the most part, it carries me through that dreaded season, but really, I deep down don't like it. Anxiety. Oh yes have I been there!! It's a big part of who I am. Dealing with anxiety my entire life (well, from 1st grade on, but when you are in your 30's, looking back to first grade feeeeels like a life time!) Yes, I've had axiety.

Peace. Well, that's a simple seeming word. It's something we are drawn to want to feel. Inner peace, peaceful life, peaceful surroundings, a zen like state. Yes, I could almost meditate over that word. I envision running water filled streams, walking through a prairie, with the sun warming my body. I hear laughter and bliss and have a sense of well being deep inside of me. Nature is peace for me. I can get to a peaceful place when I am in nature (as long as myself or my kids aren't getting dirty that is! HA!!) I can explore God's creation and I can truly feel a sense of peace.

That's when it hits me. Each feeling, each and every single moment in this life is fleeting. Depression (for me) passes. Anxiety fades. Peace comes and then abruptly goes to chaos. Sometimes all of those can be addressed in one day, one hour, one minute. We are not promised anything in life, this life is a journey, each journey is different.

Last week when I read this, it got me.

"If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present"

 It sparked me to address where I want my happiness to be, I've been praying for peace all year. Not because I feel like I don't have peace in my life, but because I want that to be my center. I want peace to stay with me as my constant. God has been whispering to me to live in the moment. To hold on to that throughout the day. To stop what I am doing to spend time with my kids, to stop what I am doing to have a moment with my husband, to embrace the here and the now. Chores are a daily task, I am pouring myself into bed at night with a spotless house, only to have a new day come and start the chores all over again. My zen is when all of my work is done. I must take a moment to realize that is not where peace is found. Peace is found in my relationships. That is something worth embracing.

For me, that simple quote about peace is a loaded deal. I find myself projecting to the future. I have done this my whole life. It's a bad bad habit. Looking forward to being an adult as a child, I literally wished away all of my school years. Especially high school. I counted down to graduation day literally from my freshman year. I was depressed at the end of each year because the friends I had made were seniors and they were "moving on" as I was "stuck" in school. Once I graduated I looked forward to getting married and having kids. I wished away my "free spirited" years where I could find out who I was and what I had to offer in life, in a marriage and as a mom. Now I have my marriage and my kids and I am back in school, I find myself looking forward to when I graduate with a degree and when we move to a new house and when my kids start at a new school and when they are in high school. It's a never ending pattern with me. I am aware of it, but nothing makes it more clear that I need to slow down on those thoughts than reading the quote about peace. It convicts me. It reminds me to take *this* day. *This* hour. *This* minute. *This* second. Just hold it and feel it and appreciate it.

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