I've been seeing a therapist for quite some time now. She's not the first therapist I've seen, probably not the last either. My session yesterday left me really looking deeper; a place I thought I visit regularly, but not quite at this angle. She asked me to list some people I can be myself with. Full on vulnerable, the ugly cry type of vulnerable. I left her office thinking of the long list I would have. That's my homework, I need to bring a list of people in my life that I could open up about my deepest emotions. I joked about how that's why I see a therapist! So I can share myself with an objective person, that can't judge me. I've lived most all of my life being "proper". I grew up immersed in table etiquette and dressing our best and it's a way I am quite comfortable living. I don't go out without make up. I set my alarm each day, I get myself ready and I face the day. It hasn't necessarily been about buying the best most stylish clothes out there, but I enjoy looking "put together" and I left my appointment yesterday, questioning what that says about me. My therapist mentioned it's quite possible I have built walls up all around me, and that I show a different "face" to different people in my life. That is something I impulsively would whole heartily disagree with. I could justify it and say "I find comfort in having an orderly life". I like my life & home to be clean and organized, clutter in my life & home just doesn't work with me. It doesn't sit well. Going out without make up, I believe would make me feel unkempt. I can assure you though, my relationships are real. I am friends with many, I enjoy being an encouragement or a listening ear to anyone and everyone and if/when the time comes that I am the one that needs a little boost, I have people in my life who can listen to me, and lift me up when needed. I am still left unsettled though. A sense that who I am, has been rattled and I am eager to get to the root of it, because though at first glance, I would say my therapist was dead wrong on this particular subject, a part of me feels like she may be on to something. My husband and I do not get along. Does that sound horrible? Well, it's a truth. A real authentic truth. We have completely different ideas on pretty much everything and I feel a rebellion coming out of him each and every single time I go to him as me. In my marriage, I am not accepted for who I am and that is not only completely maddening and unfortunate, it's also a reality that will not change at this time. I have found in the past few years, I am lost within myself, being who I *think* I should be, and still dealing with the real feelings of who I *AM*. It's exhausting and to be honest, this is precisely why I started seeing a therapist in the first place. I want to feel calm and settled and content in my life. Wanting it and feeling it are quite different things. Over the years, I have built up walls and formed habits to fulfill my desire to be put together at all times. Brushing my feelings aside and telling myself to suck it up and move on. I tell myself that I am working to become who God wants me to be, yet on the other hand, I could have it all wrong. WHO I am, is who God wants me to be. I even went so far yesterday as to say that when my husband and I started having problems, I went on a journey of changing myself. I found myself trying to fit the mold I felt my husband needed and I was miserable doing it. I grew resentful that he couldn't just take me for who I am, and love me for ME. (In all fairness, I don't believe I do that for him either. I am so busy trying to keep our lives, our children, our home, PROPER, I lose sight of the fact that is MY preference, not at all his.) In a light bulb moment, I realized I need to be true to myself so, recently I've started owning my opinions again and sharing that even if we don't agree, it doesn't mean either of us is wrong. It's just we are different. I'm coming back around to being ME again and that may or may not be good for my marriage. It feels selfish and it's a fine line to be true to myself, while still respecting and trying to fulfill my husband's needs.
So, even though I truly feel I am working to be a BETTER me, I am still ME. The way God intended me to be, all the good and all of the bad. It's about finding a delicate balance.