Sad and fearful

I am praying through this time in my life, asking for faith most importantly and that my husband's kidney could be spared for just a bit longer!

Al had his follow up appointment yesterday. The day didn't go quite as well as we hoped, and he ended the day with an impromptu 5 hour chemotherapy treatment. His creatinine is creeping up again and this isn't good. Dr. says that there is some damage to the kidney, which is not good news and that he draws the line at creatinine level 3.5

This is all medical talk and I don't expect you to fully grasp it, so here I try to explain. Al is stage three acute kidney failure. On a scale of 5, this isn't the worst, but it's certainly not good. Al's latest creatinine is 2.0 normal is 1.3-1.7. What happens if it keeps going up? 3.5 is the magical number, at which point Al will be put back on the waiting list to receive another kidney. DidIjustsaythatoutloud? I have so many things going through my mind. First and foremost I think, Dr's are just dr's, they don't know everything there is to know and certainly God can grant bigger miracles than saving an organ in my husband's body. I mean the miracle was in the fact that I, his wife, NOT a blood relative was even a match, so we've got to get more mileage out of it than just a measly 2 years right? I have a large part of me that's calm, thinking, we are being proactive, we are catching this rejection early and we have countless prayers being said on Al's behalf. This kidney has been blessed from every angle and the numbers are just numbers. Sure they tell us things, but every part of me *wants* to be optimistic. That's my job. I am the silver lining finding type. But, it's taking it's toll on me this time. I am haunted by memories of dialysis days, and all that we went through as a couple and I can't help but think of all it taught us, but I am not ready to be a part of that again, and I am certainly not ready to watch my husband deteriorate again like last time. I don't feel strong enough to watch him suffer, and I don't have the answers when he asks "Why can't I just be normal?" I don't know what to say. It plain old sucks and if I am being honest, he doesn't deserve to have this be a reality in his life. He's such a good guy and it's just not fair. I hate seeing him go through this. I am helpless, he is helpless, we are helpless. It's out of our hands, all he can do is keep taking his pills, keep showing up for treatment, and keep getting those labs drawn. A friend of our's sees a natural doctor, I am seriously considering calling for a consultation. Not to replace any treatment he's receiving, but to add to, you know, to raise the odds of beating the bully inside of his body that is fighting the kidney I gave my husband. I am so thankful his body is healthy enough to fight, and I am thankful that the treatments didn't make him violently ill like they were supposed to. The doctors were actually quite surprised that he handled the first round of treatments so well, apparently they were some really high doses! But, his body is too healthy, it's taking the gift I gave to him, and it's attacking it like it's a foreign invader! STOP IT cells! Stop rejecting the piece of me that I gave to my husband to save his life! He deserves to be healthy, he deserves to work hard like he wants to to support his family, he deserves a good life.