Friday, March 5, 2010

How are we doing?

It's no secret that Al and I were going through some deep business not too long ago. We are in a different place now, and I feel the importance of sharing how we are doing...
A few months ago, I shared some horrible, deep rooted feelings that I had for him, or better yet, that I didn't have for him. I have been married to the man and internally I was not feeling that I loved him. He had put me through a lot, emotionally speaking and due to that I had fallen out of love with him, and was mentally planning to separate my life from his. It took a lot to let him know. I am the type that internalizes everything and guess what? I was internalizing my feelings for HIM. How could he have possibly known?? Due to that; he continued to believe that I was going out of my way to spite him and hurt him and in the meantime, he continued to abuse my emotions. There is absolutely no excuse for abusing someone, whether it be physical or emotional. I am not about to sit here and put blame on any victim of this form of abuse. Anytime in the past, if you would have asked me if there was any excuse to walk away from a marriage, abuse of any form was #1 on my list. My thoughts have changed. It is NOT ok to abuse anyone, and it needs to be known it is NOT ok to put up with it. But what I realized is, it is not black and white. It took me a few years to even realize what was happening to me. When I figured it out, I was enlightened and that took a huge weight off of my shoulders. You see, I had realized that I was *not* as bad as my husband had perceived me. It gave me control back in my life and I was thrilled! No, not thrilled to be the victim of abuse but to be in a place where I could do something about it! I brought what I found to Al's attention and it was the best thing I could have done. I will not speak for Al, I can't say what he felt when I informed him how I was feeling, but I can imagine no one wants to be told that their wife feels as though they are a victim of abuse, at the hands of their own husband, and also that their wife no longer loves them. It was dark, it was deep, it was our lowest point.
We dug out. We are working extremely hard, and we are starting to see light again! I enjoy spending time with him, I am feeling safer with him and I am starting to trust him again. I am allowing him into my heart and he's learned more about me than any of the 15 years we have known each other! We are working as a team. He is slowly learning that I am not doing things just to upset him, but I am doing things because I am Karrie and I do things in a way that are different from the way he does things. What a concept?
We can thank the changes in our relationship to the fact that we have learned communication is of utmost importance. Not just the daily "Hi, how was your day?" but deeper. Letting the other person know when something offensive or hurtful has been said. Sharing thoughts and hopes for the future, and best of all, we are learning to understand each other. We are taking a weekly class, it ends after 8 weeks, we are on week 7. It has taught us some great tools and I hope that what we have learned remains fresh in our minds and we continue to use it to enhance our marriage.
Best yet, there *is* still a marriage. A few months ago, I had my future in mind, and he was no where in it. I knew that wasn't right for me and that I must do everything in my power to hold on to the family I built when I said my vows.
I have seeked every avenue that has presented itself to me on this journey and I came across one sentiment that will be with me all my days
"Love is a choice; not a feeling".
Onward and upward!

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