"Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find..."
As 2010 comes to an end, I am reminded of where I was last year at the end of 2009. My marriage was not what I had ever thought it would be and I found myself making a personal resolution to decide the fate of my marriage during the next year. It was deep, it was dark and it was not a place I ever wanted to be, but there I was. Faced with the instinctual plan to leave my marriage in "search" of something that I felt was better for me and my kids. I did a lot of "seeking" last year, and the destination was not what I anticipated. I spent years of my marriage; with every single conflict I would ask myself "what am I doing married to this guy? We are an awful match" no matter what my husband did that was good, every. single. time. he did something that didn't fit how I felt I should be treated, I was quickly in my mind "leaving" the marriage. I was one foot in, one foot out at all times. My commitment to my marriage was void. I had convinced myself I had walked into my marriage blind and that I had made a mistake. I had even convinced myself that God felt the same way. Silly me. God advocates marriage. He brings people together to fill his vision of life. He brought me and Al together. But I was convinced he wanted us apart. Things had just gotten so bad, I couldn't see clearly. I was hurt and victimized and I just didn't have it in me to seek a solution other than dissolution. I was seeking. I was talking to God. I was really working to understand and find what God wanted for my life. I asked for a separation from Al. I told him that we could not go on the way we were. I had in my mind that we would be finished in the future and the separation was just the first step. Then it happened. I had a mental intervention that changed my view. I thought about life as a divorced woman and it suddenly didn't feel right anymore. It was a light switch moment. A God moment. Suddenly my commitment to my marriage had a completely different meaning. I was no longer "one foot in the door, and one foot out" I was about reconciling and understanding that though we were very different; that we were married and it was God's will that we stay married. I started the year seeking a surmountable change in my marriage. I was just a little fuzzy about what that meant. God knew. He held my hand through all of it, and patiently waited for me to piece together the puzzle. Then last night as I was reading the Bible; I came across Matthew 7:7 and it just all clicked. What a wonderful blessing!
Just for sharing purposes, this passage also spoke to me!
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. Belssed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called Sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. Blessed are you when men revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in Heaven, for so men persecuted the prophets who were before you."