Sunday, July 18, 2010
Dear God help me with this burden!
My life has been happy, joyous, full of zest lately. I have a large burden on my shoulders that hazes the happiness. My mind is always working, even though I am begging it to hush so I can make sense of it all. Marriage is a large part of my life and it's overtaking my happiness. My marriage is not happy. It's a struggle and it's sucking the happiness from other areas. When I speak with others, I am on the same page. Marriage is work. That much is normal. When I speak in detail about *my* marriage, I am told in no uncertain terms that what I am experiencing is quite abnormal. We have struggled since the beginning almost 6 years ago, have worked on it for a solid two years when at that point I was making plans to go away. To be done. I feel we are at a point where we are two completely different people and am hopeless as to how we could possibly grow together in harmony. I find myself crying out to Jesus in quiet prayer as I attempt to withhold my tears. I must admit deep down I am incredibly disappointed that I am put in this position. I wonder how much of it I am fabricating and exaggerating in my mind and I wonder what's real anymore. I know that my real heart says that we can't go on this way. We've been in counseling for well over a year now, I feel we are not any better (or worse) than when we started. We are steadily unwell with one another. It makes me fearful of the future, it makes me anxious for the future, I want to see the future and know where this is headed. I crave someone, anyone to tell me what to do. My mind can't take all of this thought and consideration all. the. time. Walking away is just not an option at this point, believe me I have considered all paths. I look back and consider the fact that it's impossible to walk away, so God can reveal to us why we are together. I am aching to learn from this, I am aching to figure out what kind of wife I can be, the wife I am now is not how I want to be. The husband I have is not what I envisioned, yet I am irritated that apparently I didn't spend *enough* time envisioning my future husband or what marriage would be like, or my situation so blatantly clearly would NOT be what it is. This journey is not what I signed up for. This weight on my shoulders is a heavier load than I can handle.