Shew!

Well, another class complete. Psychology. Each class, the pressure raises a bit. I have straight A's and I want to keep on that path. I just completed my final and my shoulders are still tense...I keep reminding myself to relax and enjoy the end of another class. Another "check" off my list of classes to take before entering Nursing. Shew. Breath. Relax...until next month, when my next psychology class starts ;)
I am hoping by the end of these classes, I will be able to SPELL psychology without having to think about it! Tricky word ;)

Snowy Winter Day

I sit here today, with the urge to update, I've been wanting to update for a few days now, but my motivation is severely lacking. Not just with writing here, but with everything. I am struggling. I am a person that suffers from anxiety and a phobia and up until last spring, I was taking a daily med to keep my chemicals balanced. I weaned off my meds last spring, was feeling great. Until winter crept up on me and the stomach flu started going around. That's my phobia, the stomach flu and hearing about it all the time, has caused my anxiety to peak the last few weeks. I was trying to fight it alone. I was losing the fight. I decided it's not worth it to stay off the meds and feel anxious all the time! I started taking my meds again about 2 weeks ago. I've been struggling the last few weeks, waiting for my meds to kick in. I know they take three weeks, but it's just so much stress on my body to wait. I wake up every morning with a fresh dose of anxiety. I can't eat. I am literally forcing food down my throat because absolutely nothing appeals to me. I've lost weight. It's ironic because when I wanted to get off my meds back in spring, my motivation was because I had 20 pounds lingering from when Miles was born. I felt so good on my meds that I was "happily eating" all the time, instead of working weight off. Now, I have my way, I've lost my weight; but the cost has been agonizing.

So that's where I'm at. Each day is a struggle. I am counting down until the meds kick in, hoping it will only be one more week so I can get out of my own head and start thinking of others this Christmas season.

December 3rd

Al and I celebrate an anniversary today. One we call "Kidney-versary". One year ago today, I gave my kidney to him. ONE YEAR! It feels like just yesterday, but also feels like it was so long ago. We decided to celebrate the day. Kept Acilia home from school, Al took off work and we packed up and headed into the city. First we took the kids to Northwestern Hospital where surgery took place. Then we went for a carriage ride, then it was to the Hershey's store for some hot cocoa. We came home with pizza in tow and I was gifted a generous gift card to my favorite store! I don't expect every "kidney"versary to be this way, but it felt so nice to commemorate such a wonderful part of our lives. I would do it again in a second and I am still so honored that I got the chance to do this! It was a once in a lifetime experience and I am blown away that I was chosen by God to be this person for Al. :)

This is my "Be a Donor" tattoo meant to make inspiration from my scars.

At this time.

Last year at this time, Al had been on dialysis for 4 years. His body was going downhill fast and he was sicker and sicker by the day. I remember listening to KLOVE the week before Thanksgiving and they were asking callers to let them know what each were thankful for. I called in, and actually got through! I stated I was thankful that I had the kidney my husband so desperately needed and we were short weeks away from transplant day. As dire as Al's health seemed, there was light at the end of the tunnel. Our surgery was scheduled and we were doing it! The days of dialysis were still daunting, but hopeful that the end would bring a whole new life for Al. This year KLOVE was again asking callers to phone in their thanks. I was in the car driving by myself one night and a caller shared her story. Her 31 year old husband had received devastating news that he was in End Stage Renal Failure. I remembered those words when Al was given his diagnosis. They are ugly words that I hope and pray no one would have to hear. The caller went on to say she was thankful that her husband would be coming home to be with them all for Thanksgiving. That was exactly what I did on dialysis. I hung on tight to the things that made our life "normal" and we fought through the things that dialysis had brought into our lives that were so. not. normal. I remember the monthly deliveries. Our home would fill up with thousands of pounds of solution to be used to flush Al's peritoneal cavity of all the toxins that built up when you have no working kidneys'. I remember the night where he would have to hook up to the machine early in the evening, pulling his time away from his family to time spent in bed. I remember Christmas mornings where the kids would be excited to go downstairs, but we would patiently wait for one of daddy's dialysis cycles to complete so he could join us downstairs for opening of presents! When we were doing it, we managed it all quite well. Now that I look back, I think how did we EVER manage? We did get through it, and we are here almost exactly a year after transplant and living a completely different life that not one moment is taken for granted!! I am so thankful that I had in my body what my husband needed, and that we both got through our surgeries, healed and went back to a normal life. For me it was days, but for Al it had been YEARS since he got to live a normal life. I look back to last year at this time, not quite knowing what was to come, but so very excited at the possibility that our family would grow in unthinkable ways and we would all come out on the other side thankful and gracious at the amazing gift we all received. I am thankful. I am hopeful. I am still in awe that it even happened to us!! I pray that this kidney lasts far beyond the first year we are nearing, and that we all grow stronger each time we are graced with another beautiful yet tedious challenge!

Thankful

A few months ago I was fully prepared to be moving into the single mom territory. My marriage had gotten that bad and I was mentally focused on tackling the job of raising my two adorable and awesome children on my own. I sit here today and feel thankfully blessed that I am not actually a single mom, but one that has bonded with my husband in a whole new way. And moreso that my husband has bonded with my children in a whole new way. Today has been rough. The last few weeks have been rough. I am literally crawling out of my own skin most of the time lately and I am driving myself nuts. The absolute worst thing for me right now is to be sitting at home all day. Today, has been one of those days. My daughter has a spotty sore throat and it's against her best interst to get out and about. So we were here. All, day. I lied, I got to go to class this morning, but mostly we've been here all day. Kids are still in jammies. My house is a wreck from the kids playing all day. And I am clawing, internally screaming, LET ME OUT!!!!!!! It's a horrible cycle. But it's my cycle and until I figure it out, I have to just do what I can to manage. Hubby will be home soon. (Read 7PM) so I stepped out of my comfort and texted him to ask if he would mind if I got out for a bit when he gets home. To my blissful suprise he said sure no problem! To which I replied "YOU. ARE. THE. BEST!" I meant it. He is being supportive of my need to get away and take a break and that is invaluable to me (I would imagine to any mom who stays home!!)
Thank you hubby. I mean it. You have saved me from myself today!

(I shall probably get off of here and clean up a bit, or he will wonder what I was doing all day! LOL!!)

Sunday November 14th

Yesterday was a big day for our family. I have been married to my husband for 6 years. To say we started out backwards and upside down is an understatement. To add to the intensity of our marriage, a few years ago I went through a major Spiritual change in my life and really explored who I was, and who I want to be. The changes I have made have not been easy on my relationship because for my husband I had changed into someone completely different. In his words "boring". God knew what he was doing. I was fulfilled with enough confidence to continue on my journey of self discovery and to believe that some day in the future, all would work out. Two years ago I started attending church regularly. I grew up a Lutheran, have gone to a Lutheran church my whole life, but it was because I was "forced" (lack of better word) to go; not because I wanted to go. I would sit there in church, bored and looking at my clock to countdown to the end. Times have changed. I have gained such a beautiful relationship with church and with God and I truly deep down whole heartedly enjoy going each week. Acilia my daughter and I had a routine each Sunday. We would leave the house, go pick up my mom and the three of us would attend church together. We all enjoyed it and afterwards we went for lunch. It was great. But something was missing. Multiple times I would sit and survey the church attendees. Many different family dynamics but mostly there were families. Including the mother, father and children. I sat and envied those families. I wanted my husband with me at church. My husband grew up Catholic and at this point in our lives was not practicing religion on Sunday's. He was staying home with our son on Sundays. We were a split family and that didn't feel good. God agreed. As you may know at the end of the school year last year, we started seeking a new school for Acilia to attend. She was attending a Lutheran school in Wheaton. I asked my husband to join me on the journey of finding a new school for her. We looked at public schools and we looked at other private schools in the area. We visited a Lutheran school in Lombard which happens to be quite a drive from our house. We loved it at first impression though and I felt it was only right to try out the church there too. If Al liked it, we could possibly start attending as a family. Words can not describe our first experience at that church. It was a Spiritual fountain of happiness and goodness that we all felt as a family! We made the decision to start sending Acilia to the school come the beginning of a new school year and we had decided as a family to regularly attend the church through the summer. If Al thought it all felt right, we would take the New Members class that started in September and God Willing become members in November. Yesterday was the day we became members of the church. We became members of the church as a FAMILY. It means SO MUCH to me that God guided us. He never fails! Yesterday was my husband's birthday. On his birthday he was confirmed Lutheran with this bible verse: "When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12
What a blessed day for all of us! Here is a picture I took of Al as he was confirmed. It's awful quality; I only had my phone on me to snap pics!

Life flash!

I was driving on the expressway today, alone; just me and my radio. I have been driving for 15 years. I know the signs of the roads, I follow the rules, not a daring driver. So when I approached a ramp at almost 70 in a 65 I started to slow down as I got on the ramp. I noted a sign that said 25 mph and then I saw a white cross on the side of the road. After that my car started to fishtail and I realized I was NOT going 25 (didn't even have time to get down to that slow) and I was on a road with two ditches on either side of me. The sign and the cross flashed again as I struggled to gain control of my truck. It all happened in a few seconds but the aftermath was riveting. My adrenaline was going. I was shaking and then I started crying and then the radio seemed so loud I had to turn it off. I suddenly felt very alone and thought about how I would have felt if I had landed in the ditch if it was even something I would have survived. I truly had never felt such a scared feeling in my life. My life flashed and I felt as though my world came to a crashing halt. I eagerly worked to gain control of myself again. I thought of making a call to tell someone. That's my human nature at work. If something happens to me I immediately feel the need to share the news. I didn't this time. I was so scared and I was still crying. I took those moments to be with God. God was with me the whole time. I am certain God granted me a miracle today. A miracle that allowed me to gain control of my truck as it fish tailed out of my control. I was inches from the ditches and I really was taken aback at how differently it *could* have been.
I saw a semi in a ditch on a ramp when I was driving home tonight. Not sure of the outcome of that driver but it was pretty beaten up. It yet again occured to me how differently my ramp experience *could* have been.