Quiet...peaceful....calm....

I was upset last time I wrote, about the fact that all I wanted this past week was to have a "calm before the storm" week. As anticipation often proves to be worse than actually doing something, the same was said for this week! My "busy" week flew by, and today is Sunday, the beginning of a new week! Last week was busy, but I had time to breath and I actually found a lot of enjoyment along the way! Thanksgiving was a delight this year! I have a lot to be thankful for and I am just tickled that I have such great family and friends!! This was the first Thanksgiving without Grandpa. It was hard as always to see Grandma sporting the festivities without her other half. What made it managable was the prayer that Grandpa wrote *last* year. He apparently wrote it, but didn't get a chance to read it last year. God bless the soul whom held onto it, to be read *this* year. Obviously not the same as having him there with us, but certainly a nice way to honor and remember his spirit! Friday, Saturday and Sunday, though going fast, have given me many opportunities to sit and relax and still manage to get some Christmas decor up around the house. We have used the same decorations each year since we moved here; yet for some reason, they look different this year. Maybe it's because I am appreciating their beauty and how much joy they will bring to us while recovering from surgery. Surgery! Goodness! It's here, it's among us, it's creeping onto our watch! I can't believe it's here!! I am watching the stacks of dialysis supplies dwindle with each day, and get chills at the thought that we will no longer have the several THOUSAND pound deliveries at this house each month! Yahoo!! There are so many things that are going to change, I can't even keep count!! It's amazing, it feels great, and overall, we are ready to move forward with these days, and get ourselves to Northwestern Memorial Hospital in the early morning hours of Thursday, December 3rd.

I'd like to aquaint you with...

ME!
I am Karrie, an active, family oriented woman! I keep myself busy throughout the day, I can't stand sitting still! Infact if our dogs didn't sleep on the couch, it would look brand new, because I can count on one hand how many times I've sat on it!! Speaking of dogs, I LOVE them!! I treat dogs and kids very much the same! They bring me great joy. All animals do actually! Horses, and kittens rank in my top faves too!
I don't cook, but I *can* follow a recipe if we don't have easy preparation types of food in the house.Feeding my children from all the food groups during the day is important to me.
I love Jesus and what he did for me and my brothers and sisters in Christ! I enjoy going to church weekly and I love that I can seek advice from my Pastor anytime!
I enjoy decorating, I also enjoy walking through homes that are for sale! I love seeing floor plans!! I used to draw floor plans in my spare time when I was young! I have a few that I saved, they were quite ummmmm...creative :)

I take pride in my appearance, won't leave the house without putting effort into the way I look, I also work hard to ensure my kids always look "put together" Did I mention I like budget finds?? I shop, a lot (according to my husband) but I come home with great finds. I won't buy anything full price, I go straight to the sale rack. My favorite store is Von Maur :)

I love horseback riding, galloping in fields is the best! I am thrilled that my daughter has a passion for horses! We talk often about our future together with horses for everyone we know, so we can all ride together!

Lotsa happenings!

With my CNA course rounding to an end and surgery quickly impending, life is feeling a bit hectic! Today I had a big presentation in class. It was something that was noted to us the first day and since then, it's been hanging over my head! I *hate* speaking in front of people, not that I am horribly bad at it, it's just that, something that makes you so nervous can't possibly be good on the system!
The presentation is complete, I was reveling in my "freedom" of mind until reality struck and Al called to inform me that we have our pre op appointment on Wednesday. I was reallllly looking forward to next week (Thanksgiving break) to be the "calm before the storm". Acilia is off school all week, and it's the week before surgery, I was hoping to just lay low, counting my blessings and thanks! Well, real life sometimes gets busy and next week sure delivers busy! Monday I have clinicals. That was in the plan all along. What wasn't in the plan was to miss a clinical session last week due to this stinky laryngitis/cold that my body has poor timing in catching! So, Tuesday I make up my session. Wednesday we go downtown all day for tests and pre op explanation and then Thursday is Thanksgiving. Holidays are anything but relaxing, we tend to run around since we have lot's of family and that means lot's of faces to see! Atleast I still have Friday, Saturday and Sunday to relax, not sure there will be much relaxing, with surgery the following week, and my final to study for :/
Atleast I can count on resting after surgery...hang in there two more weeks Karrie!

November 6th

The meaning of today is so much deeper than the day I celebrate aging. On this day, 7 years ago my grandmother passed away. I remember the day so clearly. I remember being there at my aunt's house as my grandmother rested as comfortably as we could make her. We were all around her, shedding our love upon her. She looked peaceful, she was working her way to the afterlife. I had found out 8 days before that I was expecting my first child. It was the day of my birthday. And I was there, with my family, experiencing a moment in life that will forever be close to my heart. Losing a loved one is never easy. Infact, it's downright hard. I have found it within myself to see the beauty of passing from this life; and that often is what comforts me when I feel the ache of missing my loved ones. Being with a person as they experience the final moments here on earth is an honor. It is perfectly orchestrated. There are moments where the body seems to be directly aligned with God's will. I find peace in knowing there is no longer suffering, but an infinity of beauty and walking with the good Lord. I believe I will be with my grandma again someday, and I look forward to seeing her again, and hugging her, and talking with her. I remember her sweet delicate voice, the accent that lingered from her childhood in Italy. I remember how she was perfectly proper when carrying herself and the smile of her's that included her entire being. I remember her standing by the stove as she made her spaghetti dinners on Christmas. I remember her calling me "Labelle". I remember her daily and I miss her daily, and today is the day I celebrate with her.
This day is no longer *just* a birthday, it's a day I share with my beloved grandma.
Anna Angelica Pancotto Latoria
~June 13th 1921-November 6th 2002~

One Month

One month can mark timing for many many things, I am sure over the years, it has marked time for me a few times, but this time, it's BIG!
One month from today, I will be going to the city, to have surgery. Not just any surgery, but the surgery that will (God willing) change my husband's life for the better!
One month from today, I am giving a kidney to my husband. It feels surreal as well as great to say that!
I can't wait! I feel that this transplant is going to be a huge turning point in our lives and I look forward to what it leads us to!
ONE MONTH!

Abuse awareness

What if your spouse came to you and told you they were being abused?
What if your spouse went on to tell you that you know their abuser quite well?
What if your spouse further went on to tell you that *you* are the abuser?
Often times abuse shows up with bruises and gashes. More often though, the abuse has no physical scars. Physical scars heal, emotional scars take longer, and they can cut you deep inside where no one would suspect a thing. Even the abuser.

He loves me?

How is it that the person that is supposed to love me the most, treats me as though he hates me? I often wonder if *I* am doing something wrong in my marriage, and obviously I am (no one is perfect) however, I feel as though I am working hard to convince myself not to take the blame for everything. I am yelled at, sworn at, and then the tides turn and I have flowers presented to me by a husband who wonders why I am so down. It's up and down hill often times within 5 minutes and I am left with my head spinning. I recently saw a reference to marriage being "bliss". That puzzled me, and left me thinking I *MUST* be doing something *wrong* afterall, all that comes to mind when I think of marriage is "endurance" and hanging on because it's the "right thing to do".
The good Lord states clearly that divorce is not allowed. A man who leaves his wife and remarries is comitting adultery. A woman who leaves her husband and marries another man is comitting adultery. Wow! I had never thought of it that way. I wish I was still ignorant to that fact. It brings up a whole new level of accountability! It feels like a game at times! I ask for him to show me that I should stay in my marriage, and instead of urging a change of heart in my husband, he urges me to remember how unacceptable divorce is. I can't comprehend all of this right now. I physically can't tolerate it. My mind is going insane! I can not be focusing on this. I need stability. I need strength. I need support. I started my CNA course 4 weeks ago. It was going well, last week was my first exam. I made myself sick over it. Tomorrow is another exam. I honestly don't think I have it in my to keep taking these tests! I HATE tests! I sit there and confuse myself and turn every question into a potential trick question, leaving me questioning the confidence I had when I started the test! It's insane! I can't handle school being so intense AND my personal life and inside emotions to be so intense. I have no choice though. Endure I must.