Wednesday, October 7, 2009

He loves me?

How is it that the person that is supposed to love me the most, treats me as though he hates me? I often wonder if *I* am doing something wrong in my marriage, and obviously I am (no one is perfect) however, I feel as though I am working hard to convince myself not to take the blame for everything. I am yelled at, sworn at, and then the tides turn and I have flowers presented to me by a husband who wonders why I am so down. It's up and down hill often times within 5 minutes and I am left with my head spinning. I recently saw a reference to marriage being "bliss". That puzzled me, and left me thinking I *MUST* be doing something *wrong* afterall, all that comes to mind when I think of marriage is "endurance" and hanging on because it's the "right thing to do".
The good Lord states clearly that divorce is not allowed. A man who leaves his wife and remarries is comitting adultery. A woman who leaves her husband and marries another man is comitting adultery. Wow! I had never thought of it that way. I wish I was still ignorant to that fact. It brings up a whole new level of accountability! It feels like a game at times! I ask for him to show me that I should stay in my marriage, and instead of urging a change of heart in my husband, he urges me to remember how unacceptable divorce is. I can't comprehend all of this right now. I physically can't tolerate it. My mind is going insane! I can not be focusing on this. I need stability. I need strength. I need support. I started my CNA course 4 weeks ago. It was going well, last week was my first exam. I made myself sick over it. Tomorrow is another exam. I honestly don't think I have it in my to keep taking these tests! I HATE tests! I sit there and confuse myself and turn every question into a potential trick question, leaving me questioning the confidence I had when I started the test! It's insane! I can't handle school being so intense AND my personal life and inside emotions to be so intense. I have no choice though. Endure I must.


  1. (((Karrie))) was it always like this? I wonder if your husband is having difficulty dealing with the side effects of dialysis as well as the emotional toll of not feeling well or being able to do the things that you want to do. After transplant, do you know if he will be going on the steroid protocol or the steroid free protocol?

    You are a great mama and a great wife for sticking by your husband during this hard time in your lives. I believe when we stick by our husbands during trying times, eventually God rewards us by giving us a better relationship.

  2. You are being obedient. To God. That is all He asks of us. It may be hard...but God never said it would be easy. Oh Karrie...I agree 200% marriage is so hard...BUT keep in mind that even if your relationship never changes, if you continue to be obedient, your heart and attitude will.
    My last thought...
    Maybe marriage is not designed to make us happy, but to make us Holy.

  3. I can't wait until you guys see your last "End of Therapy" as well. Take pictures! I wish we had gotten that last "end of therapy" message but since we were heading out the door to pick up a kidney, we didn't think about it. : )


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