How is it that the person that is supposed to love me the most, treats me as though he hates me? I often wonder if *I* am doing something wrong in my marriage, and obviously I am (no one is perfect) however, I feel as though I am working hard to convince myself not to take the blame for everything. I am yelled at, sworn at, and then the tides turn and I have flowers presented to me by a husband who wonders why I am so down. It's up and down hill often times within 5 minutes and I am left with my head spinning. I recently saw a reference to marriage being "bliss". That puzzled me, and left me thinking I *MUST* be doing something *wrong* afterall, all that comes to mind when I think of marriage is "endurance" and hanging on because it's the "right thing to do".
The good Lord states clearly that divorce is not allowed. A man who leaves his wife and remarries is comitting adultery. A woman who leaves her husband and marries another man is comitting adultery. Wow! I had never thought of it that way. I wish I was still ignorant to that fact. It brings up a whole new level of accountability! It feels like a game at times! I ask for him to show me that I should stay in my marriage, and instead of urging a change of heart in my husband, he urges me to remember how unacceptable divorce is. I can't comprehend all of this right now. I physically can't tolerate it. My mind is going insane! I can not be focusing on this. I need stability. I need strength. I need support. I started my CNA course 4 weeks ago. It was going well, last week was my first exam. I made myself sick over it. Tomorrow is another exam. I honestly don't think I have it in my to keep taking these tests! I HATE tests! I sit there and confuse myself and turn every question into a potential trick question, leaving me questioning the confidence I had when I started the test! It's insane! I can't handle school being so intense AND my personal life and inside emotions to be so intense. I have no choice though. Endure I must.