I sit here at 12:40 am on the 4th of July. I have no one to talk to; but I sure need to vent. Not sure publicizing my internal emotions when my soul feels like utter chaos is the right answer, but to be honest, I have no idea what *is* right at the current moment.
Hubby left to visit a lakehouse with some guy friends this weekend. I hoped he would get the relaxation and fun he needs; since he works so hard (He's always sure to remind me of this, along with he is the provider for the family and I virtually do nothing around here). He came home this afternoon and my day has felt like shambles since. He came in telling me he missed me; I go out of my way to try to give him some attention; without giving too many details, I wasn't up for the sort of attention he really needed, but I did my best to cuddle and catch up, there came a point where I left the room otherwise I felt like my attention could be misleading. Time came to leave for my brother's house who he and his wife put together a big family party to celebrate the holiday. Al breaks it to me he's not going. ?? Confusion, frustration, irritation. (Keep your cool Karrie, keep your cool...) I left the house without my husband and not even completely sure why he decided to ditch his family and claim he wasn't very happy with me. It's been a while since I've felt so lost with his actions. I got myself all worked up in the car and had to take detours to compose myself before getting to the party. I ended up in a local church parking lot praying and asking for the strength to get my tears dried up and go enjoy my family. I was just so hurt. Why did he think it was OK to do this to me? Does he realize how it tears me apart? We were at the party for a few hours when he shows up. I was surprised to see him there; wondered what made him change his mind. More confusion; I don't know how to act when my insides are hurt, and we are not in a place to discuss what happened and WHY!? I am a why person, I like answers and his actions never match his words and I am constantly left feeling like I am the source of every part of his grief and I can do nothing right. My confidence is shattered and I had little confidence as a wife to begin with. I am not getting what I need emotionally and on top of that I am so tired. I am tired of not knowing how to act. I can't be myself; that's not accepted, I don't know who to be.
Party ended, he seemed ok, so I tried to settle back into comfort. We came home, got the kids to bed, I showered and came to bed. Al was in already in bed watching TV, so I turned the light on to do a little bit of reading from the book "Heaven is For Real"...apparently the light was bothering him because he got up walked over to my side of the bed and turned the light off. I asked him to turn it back on, he said no and walked back to his side of the bed. I switched it back on and said I would be done reading very soon. (He's still watching TV at this point) I finish up within 10 minutes, switched off the light, I was starting to nodd a bit while reading so I knew it was time to sleep. I started to drift off, not sure how much time had passed; I felt him next to me, he turned the light back on and I heard him say something while shaking the bed; "EARTHQUAKE DRILL" I do recall telling him he was acting like a jerk. Since I was awake, I noted he was watching something that I call "harming to my soul while I am trying to sleep" it was either violent or loud, or frightening, something along those lines that causes nightmares if you fall asleep watching or listening to it. We've had this conversation soooo many times about TV watching in the bedroom. My view is I hate having TV in the bedroom, but if you are going to watch it, please be considerate of the fact that someone else is in the room *trying* to partake in a peaceful slumber.
He is adamant that he is relaxing and I should leave the room if I don't like it. This is about the time that my insides always get all worked up, I start to feel tears coming, internally I am shaking, wondering what action is suitable for the current situation. I tried a conversation, he shut me down; told me we were done talking. What do I do? I am asking; WHAT DO I DO?!
I am eager to learn what the Lord wants to teach me, I just don't know if I have it in me to keep being treated this way; it's just not healthy. It feels so wrong; yet there is nothing I can do to change it. It kills me because it's happening TO me against my will and I have no solution. I am a solutions person, I want to make peace. Instead I shut down. That's my defense and it's the opposite of proactive. I am stuck and feeling low and just looking for answers.