I've been seeing a therapist for quite some time now. She's not the first therapist I've seen, probably not the last either. My session yesterday left me really looking deeper; a place I thought I visit regularly, but not quite at this angle. She asked me to list some people I can be myself with. Full on vulnerable, the ugly cry type of vulnerable. I left her office thinking of the long list I would have. That's my homework, I need to bring a list of people in my life that I could open up about my deepest emotions. I joked about how that's why I see a therapist! So I can share myself with an objective person, that can't judge me. I've lived most all of my life being "proper". I grew up immersed in table etiquette and dressing our best and it's a way I am quite comfortable living. I don't go out without make up. I set my alarm each day, I get myself ready and I face the day. It hasn't necessarily been about buying the best most stylish clothes out there, but I enjoy looking "put together" and I left my appointment yesterday, questioning what that says about me. My therapist mentioned it's quite possible I have built walls up all around me, and that I show a different "face" to different people in my life. That is something I impulsively would whole heartily disagree with. I could justify it and say "I find comfort in having an orderly life". I like my life & home to be clean and organized, clutter in my life & home just doesn't work with me. It doesn't sit well. Going out without make up, I believe would make me feel unkempt. I can assure you though, my relationships are real. I am friends with many, I enjoy being an encouragement or a listening ear to anyone and everyone and if/when the time comes that I am the one that needs a little boost, I have people in my life who can listen to me, and lift me up when needed. I am still left unsettled though. A sense that who I am, has been rattled and I am eager to get to the root of it, because though at first glance, I would say my therapist was dead wrong on this particular subject, a part of me feels like she may be on to something. My husband and I do not get along. Does that sound horrible? Well, it's a truth. A real authentic truth. We have completely different ideas on pretty much everything and I feel a rebellion coming out of him each and every single time I go to him as me. In my marriage, I am not accepted for who I am and that is not only completely maddening and unfortunate, it's also a reality that will not change at this time. I have found in the past few years, I am lost within myself, being who I *think* I should be, and still dealing with the real feelings of who I *AM*. It's exhausting and to be honest, this is precisely why I started seeing a therapist in the first place. I want to feel calm and settled and content in my life. Wanting it and feeling it are quite different things. Over the years, I have built up walls and formed habits to fulfill my desire to be put together at all times. Brushing my feelings aside and telling myself to suck it up and move on. I tell myself that I am working to become who God wants me to be, yet on the other hand, I could have it all wrong. WHO I am, is who God wants me to be. I even went so far yesterday as to say that when my husband and I started having problems, I went on a journey of changing myself. I found myself trying to fit the mold I felt my husband needed and I was miserable doing it. I grew resentful that he couldn't just take me for who I am, and love me for ME. (In all fairness, I don't believe I do that for him either. I am so busy trying to keep our lives, our children, our home, PROPER, I lose sight of the fact that is MY preference, not at all his.) In a light bulb moment, I realized I need to be true to myself so, recently I've started owning my opinions again and sharing that even if we don't agree, it doesn't mean either of us is wrong. It's just we are different. I'm coming back around to being ME again and that may or may not be good for my marriage. It feels selfish and it's a fine line to be true to myself, while still respecting and trying to fulfill my husband's needs.
So, even though I truly feel I am working to be a BETTER me, I am still ME. The way God intended me to be, all the good and all of the bad. It's about finding a delicate balance.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Ponder
My Vicar at church asked a question for an assignment he has to complete at the seminary.
It got me thinking, I am curious about your answer too!
So, feel free to either answer in the comments section or write a post about it on your own blog, please let me know if you blog about it though! I will stop by and read your thoughts :) :) :)
The question is:
It got me thinking, I am curious about your answer too!
So, feel free to either answer in the comments section or write a post about it on your own blog, please let me know if you blog about it though! I will stop by and read your thoughts :) :) :)
The question is:
"How does the Holy Spirit work in your life?"
My answer:
The Holy Spirit is simply put, my voice of reason. The Holy Spirit also fuels me, to choose good. I am motivated to seek the good in others, as well as to find ways to help others. The Holy Spirit is my ever knocking presence of the Lord!
What is your answer?
Stuffed potatoes
You can run wild with this idea! Find anything you like, but my #1 recommendation, make sure the potatoes are SOFT before stuffing them. Makes all the difference!!
Preheat oven to 375
Get one potato for each person that will be enjoying the meal with you.
Wash and place the potatoes on a plate. Microwave until they are cooked through. (since they are large, it can take a good 15-20 minutes to get them soft enough! I recommend microwaving for 10 min first, then 5 minute increments after that.
While the potatoes are in the micro, cook the chicken in a skillet with olive oil. Be sure to season the chicken or it will be pretty bland!
Once the chicken is cooked through, cut it into bit size slices.
Once the potatoes are cooked through, take them out and slice them open. Allow them to cool or you will burn your hands as you are trying to stuff them! Put foil around the outside of the potato to keep it from opening too much.
Once cool, mash the contents a bit and then take a spoonful out to make room for the stuffing. Add some butter and salt to the potato, then add the chicken, bacon, and cheese.
Put in the oven for about 10 minutes (watch the cheese to indicate whether it's done or not, melted cheese good, crispy cheese bad!).
LARGE potatoes
Thin sliced chicken breasts
bacon
cheese of your choice
Get one potato for each person that will be enjoying the meal with you.
Wash and place the potatoes on a plate. Microwave until they are cooked through. (since they are large, it can take a good 15-20 minutes to get them soft enough! I recommend microwaving for 10 min first, then 5 minute increments after that.
While the potatoes are in the micro, cook the chicken in a skillet with olive oil. Be sure to season the chicken or it will be pretty bland!
Once the chicken is cooked through, cut it into bit size slices.
Once the potatoes are cooked through, take them out and slice them open. Allow them to cool or you will burn your hands as you are trying to stuff them! Put foil around the outside of the potato to keep it from opening too much.
Once cool, mash the contents a bit and then take a spoonful out to make room for the stuffing. Add some butter and salt to the potato, then add the chicken, bacon, and cheese.
Put in the oven for about 10 minutes (watch the cheese to indicate whether it's done or not, melted cheese good, crispy cheese bad!).
A plate full of yummy for lunch!
I don't know what has gotten into me, I *never* took pictures of my food, until I wanted to talk about it here...how can you not snap a picture of your food if you are going to talk about it? I am a visual person! I like to seeeeee what is being talked about :)
First half of the plate:
Leftover chicken, warmed in the skillet with olive oil, basil and salt. I added cauliflower for added flavor!
Second half of plate, a little mix I thought sounded good: Red pepper, garbanzos, mozz balls and cilantro. I added salt and Parmesan.
Yummo!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Choices
Our day begins with the choice of getting out of bed or staying in bed to hide from the world. The choices are just beginning for the day, milk or OJ for breakfast, gray or black clothes today, drive to work or ride the bus, and on and on and on.
It's the choice we make each day, each moment that guide how the rest of the day may go. You could choose to take a different route to work and you find that if you had visited the same old streets you do day in and day out, there was an accident at the precise time you would have been there. A choice you make could save your life. A choice you make could also add minutes to your commute. Reactions are mostly emotional response, and then the logic comes in. The choice.
I made a choice to drive into a car wash the other day. I was inside when I noticed the doors to get out were not functioning. One was propped open with a zip tie and the other was not moving out of my way as I was moving out. I had choices to make and I made them. My car suffered. The door that I slowly and gingerly pushed open with my bumper, scratched my new car from bumper to bumper on one side.
I was reminded all evening by my husband why my choices in the situation were the wrong ones and what he would have done differently. I was quick to inform him that I made the choices I needed to make at the moment to get me out of a situation and though they may not have been what *he* would have done, they were what I *did* and it was the past.
TobyMac puts it eloquently in the song Me Without You "I'd be packing my bags, when I need to stay, I'd be chasing every breeze that blows my way..."
Without God, my choices would be much different. It's not easy to make choices, but it's a guidance that I have from Christ's sacrifice. I have the choice to live in a way that is pleasing to God or to not. I walk each day making the choice to please God. I choose to do the right thing, and I also choose to walk away from things that I can see as toxic in my life. I have the choice to follow up conflict with making it right with resolution, even though that's the harder thing to do. It's much easier to complain about what I was put through and talk poorly about the person that I was in conflict with. The choice often times is between doing something the "easy" way or doing it the "right" way. This is something I am really grasping onto lately. Anyone that knew me growing up, knows I had my own hard headed way of doing things. I bent the rules to allow for all situations to work my way. I had a lot of learning to do, but I've learned no matter what, even when following the rules, there's usually a way I would prefer to do something and it's not the way I was told to do it. I have a choice, follow the rules, or do it the way *I* want to do it. As I've learned the rights and wrongs of living life, I am faced with helping my kids to make choices too. Make the choice to clean up your mess or choose to sit in your bed for a time out and then clean up the mess for example. As much as it seems just cleaning the mess would be the choice option, sometimes it's not so clear to my kids! Choices are hard. They come with real consequences sometimes and you have to ask yourself "Is the choice I make, something I can live with?" If it is, it's an easy choice, but what happens when the answer is not so clear? The choice is tougher, sometimes the answer is hazy, you have two raw options or better, you have two good options. Always choose the right way. It's easier said than done, but I have truly learned, if you do what you are supposed to do, it's a lot easier to live with the aftermath. Choose with your head, allow logic to speak above emotions. There again easier said than done, for those of us (Us as in MYSELF 100% included!!) who are emotional and impulsive. Slow down, listen to God, He will guide you.
It's the choice we make each day, each moment that guide how the rest of the day may go. You could choose to take a different route to work and you find that if you had visited the same old streets you do day in and day out, there was an accident at the precise time you would have been there. A choice you make could save your life. A choice you make could also add minutes to your commute. Reactions are mostly emotional response, and then the logic comes in. The choice.
I made a choice to drive into a car wash the other day. I was inside when I noticed the doors to get out were not functioning. One was propped open with a zip tie and the other was not moving out of my way as I was moving out. I had choices to make and I made them. My car suffered. The door that I slowly and gingerly pushed open with my bumper, scratched my new car from bumper to bumper on one side.
 |
| BUMPER TO BUMPER scratches like this |
TobyMac puts it eloquently in the song Me Without You "I'd be packing my bags, when I need to stay, I'd be chasing every breeze that blows my way..."
Without God, my choices would be much different. It's not easy to make choices, but it's a guidance that I have from Christ's sacrifice. I have the choice to live in a way that is pleasing to God or to not. I walk each day making the choice to please God. I choose to do the right thing, and I also choose to walk away from things that I can see as toxic in my life. I have the choice to follow up conflict with making it right with resolution, even though that's the harder thing to do. It's much easier to complain about what I was put through and talk poorly about the person that I was in conflict with. The choice often times is between doing something the "easy" way or doing it the "right" way. This is something I am really grasping onto lately. Anyone that knew me growing up, knows I had my own hard headed way of doing things. I bent the rules to allow for all situations to work my way. I had a lot of learning to do, but I've learned no matter what, even when following the rules, there's usually a way I would prefer to do something and it's not the way I was told to do it. I have a choice, follow the rules, or do it the way *I* want to do it. As I've learned the rights and wrongs of living life, I am faced with helping my kids to make choices too. Make the choice to clean up your mess or choose to sit in your bed for a time out and then clean up the mess for example. As much as it seems just cleaning the mess would be the choice option, sometimes it's not so clear to my kids! Choices are hard. They come with real consequences sometimes and you have to ask yourself "Is the choice I make, something I can live with?" If it is, it's an easy choice, but what happens when the answer is not so clear? The choice is tougher, sometimes the answer is hazy, you have two raw options or better, you have two good options. Always choose the right way. It's easier said than done, but I have truly learned, if you do what you are supposed to do, it's a lot easier to live with the aftermath. Choose with your head, allow logic to speak above emotions. There again easier said than done, for those of us (Us as in MYSELF 100% included!!) who are emotional and impulsive. Slow down, listen to God, He will guide you.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Trunk or Treat 2012
It comes and goes SOOOO fast, but it's a blast in the meantime!! This was our second year participating and boy was it fun!! I LOVE decorating in a theme and dressing to match! And I LOVE wearing country inspired clothes! I am dreaming of the day we live where cowboy hats are a must! I love love love western style! Oh, and I was absolutely THRILLED and HONORED to win the "Most kid friendly trunk award" !! What a sweet surprise!!
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| Welcome to the Visco Ranch! |
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| Miles looking tough in his cowboy get up |
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| Acilia and her cousin Ali ready to trunk or treat! |
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| Acilia helped pass out candy for a little bit |
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| Miles played some tunes! |
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| I am not kidding when I say it took about 12 pictures to get this one! Anytime hubby is involved in a picture, you can bet there is trouble! HA! Sure, sure he looks all sweet and innocent in this one! Big fat troublemaker!! |
Fish out of water
Can I just tell you, education can be like car shopping? Al and I spent an entire YEAR car shopping, we went to dealerships and test drove practically all the vehicles out there! We researched online, we found things we didn't like about each car we drove and though they were things I could have settled for, Al is particular when spending his money. We had a vehicle we liked, and none on the market compared to it! Al was quick to tell me that each and every time we test drove a car. Except for the things about my car that I could not live with, hence the need for car shopping! So, education, I have been on a path to nursing school for the past 4 years, and just like a light switch, my direction has changed. I will maintain the end goal is still the same, however, my path is unsettled and I am finding myself researching and testing all of my options and there are TOO Many!!!!! Same as car shopping, you want an SUV for instance, you have what feels like hundreds of choices! Education is very much the same, I have a list of "acceptable" programs I could choose but how do you choose the one that's best? I have been online allll morning looking at all of my options and there is no real direction. It's personalized. Personalized is a fabulous option, but everyone is so different, it's hard to find out what works for ME. I need clarity. A defined path that I can walk and I will be much more settled! I think I am a little hesitant because here I was on a path to nursing and then like the wind changes direction, there's me, feeling like I am starting at square one. Yes, many of the courses I took to pursue nursing will be useful for Lactation Specialist certification, so all was not lost. I guess I just needed to vent my overwhelmed state.
How do you work through your overwhelmed confusion?
For me, I get out paper and start feverishly taking notes and making lists! I print internet pages and I keep them all nestled away in a manila folder. It's sort of an organized chaos! But it works for me. When I am feeling OCD, I get out the highlighter and highlight the notes that apply to me in the pages I have read over and over and over and over! :)
So, here I am, surrounded by papers, and notes, trying to plot my direction.
I will say I am closer to a plan NOW than I was a few weeks ago, but I am still not 100% set on which path to take. I guess the good news is, there IS a path, it's just a matter of figuring out which one I want to commit to :) Decisions! Decisions!!
How do you work through your overwhelmed confusion?
For me, I get out paper and start feverishly taking notes and making lists! I print internet pages and I keep them all nestled away in a manila folder. It's sort of an organized chaos! But it works for me. When I am feeling OCD, I get out the highlighter and highlight the notes that apply to me in the pages I have read over and over and over and over! :)
So, here I am, surrounded by papers, and notes, trying to plot my direction.
I will say I am closer to a plan NOW than I was a few weeks ago, but I am still not 100% set on which path to take. I guess the good news is, there IS a path, it's just a matter of figuring out which one I want to commit to :) Decisions! Decisions!!
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