Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I realize.

I am a married woman. I grew up a Lutheran, but didn't spend much time considering God and his rules for a Holy life. I have some things I've had to come forth with to ask forgiveness, one of them being a mom before I was married. I certainly don't regret the path my life has taken but it is the number one sin I struggle with, because now that I *am* close with God, I am not sure what the dating world would lead me into if I was not a married woman. I almost feel like I got off easy because when I was doing the bad things I did, such as sex before marriage, I still didn't realize how bad it was. Now I do realize how bad that was, and I am not sure I would have acted differently. I am not sure why I have the need to write this post, but it felt necessary. A shout out to those that share a strong bond with God, yet are not married and living in the world of dating. Stories I hear about dating, I often think how hard it's got to be. I was young when I was into dating, a teenager! Not exactly like the adult world of dating. So much to consider and I am surely out of touch with how it really goes. What really happens and that's fine with me, but I hope that you (yes general you, but it applies surely to someone here reading today) are ok and that you are enjoying your life and I would love to assure you that God loves you and I pray that He is there for you as you work your way through a lifestyle that is both fun and very challenging!

Furthermore, on the topic of sin, I go to church every week, and I am going to admit here when confession time comes, I am not quite sure what to confess to God. I know it sounds bad and I *KNOW* I sin, just not sure exactly what is considered a sin and what's not. I guess anything unloving or selfish that I do is considered sin, yes I have a lot of those moments, but to come up with all of my sin during the minute or so of "silent confession" how do you work it all in??? I pray through the week with thankfulness and when I do something that I feel bad about, I ask for forgiveness, but that doesn't feel like enough. I have asked God numerous times to show me my sins so I can be accountable for them. I think I am missing something. I constantly lose my patience with my husband, because well, he knows how to push my buttons!! BUT that's no excuse for being rude, short or sarcastic with him! My impression though is that you are going to be forgiven for your actions, and then have a clean slate, but when I keep bringing up the same thing that I need to confess and the behavior though I am aware of it is not exactly changing, I feel like I am taking advantage of God and His grace! He makes it sound so easy, "love thy neighbor". Three words, hard to act!

Then you've got my weak moments as a mom. The kids are really good at not listening to my directions, and they are really good at being wild and jumping on my furniture even though I remind them regularly how we treat furniture with respect and do NOT stand, or jump on it or off of it! The not listening tactic is infuriating to me! I can be firm and then my daughter tells me "You're mean". I respond, "I am not mean, you have the responsibility of listening to what I say and if you don't, there are consequences" but how many times do I have to tell my daughter "I am not mean" maybe I am mean! Maybe that's how she sees me and if that's true, it would kill me! I want my kids to know me as a trustworthy, loving, stable mother, yet I fully feel that I need to be in charge, not have them thinking they can just do as they wish and not have repercussions!

I can be very friendly in the outside world, then I can come home and "True Karrie" comes out, the one that has emotions, and selfishness and tiredness and laziness, and my family gets the privilege of seeing me behind closed doors. That's awful! Why can't I treat my family the way I do the public?

God is always watching. I want to please Him at all times, I want to have my judgement before Him be an experience that I can walk away as though I succeeded in my mission to live a Godly life here on Earth. How much can you change about your person? I am a person that likes my space, I have a family that constantly needs me to attend to them. It makes me crabby and then I am not good at hiding that crabby feeling!

After reading back, I see it's clear God has no problem allowing me to see my sins, I just have to open my heart and explore them!! I believe I could go on with more revelations, I guess I will be having some quiet time to explore them and ask forgiveness and ask for Him to guide me into better ways!

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