Blogging about the purple elephant in my life

Well, I've had blog block lately. I have posted a few simple type posts over the last few months, but nothing in depth. In truth, I had shut my feelings out to the world and when you are blogging, that isn't conducive to sharing your thoughts. My husband Al and I have been through the wringer and I am hoping the experience of it all is the rock bottom of our marriage. I could sit here all day and discuss all the things wrong with our marriage and our lack of compatibility but in truth, that means nothing today. As I move forward, I will share a little bit about the past, and more about the hopeful future.

A little over a month ago, I told my husband I felt the desperate need for us to separate. I went into the discussion fully expecting him to be on board with it, and in complete agreement. I was so sure I had *his* feelings figured out in my head and had completely convinced myself he felt the exact same way I did. He didn't. He had more to give to this marriage. That was a turning point for me. I started to feel as though my decision to separate was more of a selfish feeling, than of one that must happen. I went from feeling as though I had no choice, to feeling there was a choice. I went from feeling hopeless, to feeling hopeFUL. I have been praying through this entire journey and looking back, God has been with me each and every step of the way. I am hopeful that God will always be there for me, and that is directly related to His promise to be there and to never leave me alone. I started to feel a new sense of commitment to this marriage. I have many thoughts and feelings, but my conclusion is; unless I have tried every single avenue to save a marriage, then it is not worth leaving it. I have discovered many things about myself and have decided no matter whom I am with as a life partner, these things will haunt me until I learn to release those things, to not allow them to be roadblocks to my heart. I also have discovered that our way of doing everything backwards and upside down in our relationship has finally caught up with us and what it did was set us up for failure. I am holding on to find the tools to building a successful marriage and moving forward, leaving our mistakes behind.

There is no way to predict the future, but I do know I have a new commitment to my family that I have never had before and for that, I am beyond blessed to have discovered a necessary fact in my life. I am hoping now I can begin to get back on track with freely expressing my feelings on this blog, I am a writer, it's therapeutic for me and to have this place to share my thoughts and feelings is just awesome for me.