Feeling thankful

Today was a nice day. Al and I dropped the kids at my mom's house so they could play with their cousins and Al and I set out to finish Christmas shopping. I had done most of it, but Al likes to get his say on some things for the kids and I will admit, it melts my heart that he does that. I think it's sweet. :)
So, today; while enjoying quality time with hubby, I found myself just gazing at him; feeling thankful that a few months ago things changed for the better and instead of being in single mom territory this Christmas, I am in married, wife mode. I am thankful that God is always by my side allowing me to feel His presence and I am thankful that I am able to listen to what He has to say and apply it to my life. You can't go wrong when you listen to God!

Bible

I am going to admit here that I haven't been one to pick up a Bible in the past. I walked through life always saying there needed to be an "instruction manual" for life. I was blind. We have an instruction manual, it's the Holy pages of a book called the BIBLE. That realization struck me a while ago, I went ahead and purchased my very own bible and then it sat. I picked it up a few times, not knowing what I was looking for from it, and each time I read from it, I was left wondering and confused. The Bible is always here for me, as God is always with me and when God started urging my heart to pick it up and read it, I didn't fully fulfill his requests. I would pick it up, randomly choose a place to read, and then read. I would listen to sermons in church for verses that spoke to me then vow to look them up when I got home, but I never got around to it. I clearly wasn't utilizing the Bible in the way it's intended, and for that, I was walking around confused as to what I can do as a follower of Jesus. I needed to get to KNOW Jesus. When Al and I became members of St. John's last month, there was a class we participated in. I personally wasn't required to take it because I am already Lutheran, but I took it to be Al's partner as he stepped into unknown territory. I learned a lot from that class, and formed some direction for reading the Bible. I was thrilled when our pastor suggested Matthew, Mark, Luke and John to be of the first Books to read. John gets you well aquainted with Jesus. I had this new knowledge, but hadn't quite started to apply it. The Bible sat on my shelf, as my busy days passed by.
As you probably know if you read my blog, I have been struggling with some pretty intense anxiety over the last month. In the most recent weeks, I've been waking up far earlier than I would like. One morning I woke up in a panic, and I heard God tell me "Trust me". He comes to be in a calm, manly, assertive and loving voice. I have taken this time in the morning to crawl out of bed, and go down to read my Bible. The reason was because God urged me to read "Matthew 8". God's urging has continued each morning after and I have had passages come to me through God's voice as I sit and read them, I relate to the message that's coming to me. It's awesome. I feel like God is literally hand holding me as I walk through this book; learning about God and Life here on Earth.

Today was a great passage. I was urged to read "Ecclesiastes" I started with 1, but in 3, I was blown away by the concept of time.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Merry Christmas!

From our family to your's. Here's our 2010 Christmas card

Missing the baking gene

(Courtesy of Google Images)

This time of year officially marks "baking bonanza" for many people. I begrudgingly admit, I am NOT one of those people! I don't have a joy for baking, I don't have a baking bone in my body *unless you count the boxed muffins I keep in my pantry for "back up" when I have a need to feel domesticated.* I never gave it much thought, but this year, I am feeling like I am lacking. Facebook is the culprit. I keep reading status updates about people cheerfully baking their hearts out and I am left wondering what is wrong with me?? Is this a gene, I was supposed to get, but didn't? Have I been jipped? Part of me wants to try baking some cookies or something, to see if I can spring a mood inside of me, but then part of me wants to rebel and say I am NOT into baking and there is nothing wrong with that. Why do I feel guilty about it then?

Shew!

Well, another class complete. Psychology. Each class, the pressure raises a bit. I have straight A's and I want to keep on that path. I just completed my final and my shoulders are still tense...I keep reminding myself to relax and enjoy the end of another class. Another "check" off my list of classes to take before entering Nursing. Shew. Breath. Relax...until next month, when my next psychology class starts ;)
I am hoping by the end of these classes, I will be able to SPELL psychology without having to think about it! Tricky word ;)

Snowy Winter Day

I sit here today, with the urge to update, I've been wanting to update for a few days now, but my motivation is severely lacking. Not just with writing here, but with everything. I am struggling. I am a person that suffers from anxiety and a phobia and up until last spring, I was taking a daily med to keep my chemicals balanced. I weaned off my meds last spring, was feeling great. Until winter crept up on me and the stomach flu started going around. That's my phobia, the stomach flu and hearing about it all the time, has caused my anxiety to peak the last few weeks. I was trying to fight it alone. I was losing the fight. I decided it's not worth it to stay off the meds and feel anxious all the time! I started taking my meds again about 2 weeks ago. I've been struggling the last few weeks, waiting for my meds to kick in. I know they take three weeks, but it's just so much stress on my body to wait. I wake up every morning with a fresh dose of anxiety. I can't eat. I am literally forcing food down my throat because absolutely nothing appeals to me. I've lost weight. It's ironic because when I wanted to get off my meds back in spring, my motivation was because I had 20 pounds lingering from when Miles was born. I felt so good on my meds that I was "happily eating" all the time, instead of working weight off. Now, I have my way, I've lost my weight; but the cost has been agonizing.

So that's where I'm at. Each day is a struggle. I am counting down until the meds kick in, hoping it will only be one more week so I can get out of my own head and start thinking of others this Christmas season.

December 3rd

Al and I celebrate an anniversary today. One we call "Kidney-versary". One year ago today, I gave my kidney to him. ONE YEAR! It feels like just yesterday, but also feels like it was so long ago. We decided to celebrate the day. Kept Acilia home from school, Al took off work and we packed up and headed into the city. First we took the kids to Northwestern Hospital where surgery took place. Then we went for a carriage ride, then it was to the Hershey's store for some hot cocoa. We came home with pizza in tow and I was gifted a generous gift card to my favorite store! I don't expect every "kidney"versary to be this way, but it felt so nice to commemorate such a wonderful part of our lives. I would do it again in a second and I am still so honored that I got the chance to do this! It was a once in a lifetime experience and I am blown away that I was chosen by God to be this person for Al. :)

This is my "Be a Donor" tattoo meant to make inspiration from my scars.