Crossroads

I am at an emotional crossroads. Blogging is very much about being real for me, but there are some things you just don't "blog" about, they are more "private journal". It's been easy over the years to know what to blog about. I get messages from God or I have inspiration I want to share. I would like to think I've built my blog on that. It's a very real part of my life and I find it thrilling, which is why I choose to share it.

To be real and honest though, there are sides of my life that I do not portray here and that is a bit unsettling to me. When you put yourself out there on the Internet, it's calculated. You have choices as to what you choose to share and what you choose to keep to yourself. After all  there are a lot of eyes that read these pages and with sight, comes potential judgment. I follow numerous bloggers who are authentic and really put themselves out there, only to be criticized for what they say or what they do in their own life. I don't like being criticized, it hurts my feelings and I am relieved that so far this blog has not met criticism. That could be a good thing. But, let's be truthful, my husband criticizes me quite often, and he's the person who lives with me. So I am left asking myself, am I being my real self to the outside world? Or am I being myself with my husband. To be further and brutally honest, I don't like who I am with my husband. He brings out things in me that I work to tuck deeply away. Things I would say and do as a child, where the intention was to hurt others. I am not that person anymore. I want nothing to do with being a person that hurts others on purpose.

I am pretty sure these feelings are still coming from my last appointment with my therapist. She went "there" with me, and really touched a nerve that I haven't quite worked through yet. I found truth in what she was saying, but it left me really wondering who I am! The "me" I know is selfish by nature and will say hurtful things to win an argument  The "me" I know stopped at nothing to get what I wanted and would bend the rules to make things work with my comfort. No concern for others. That was me as a child. Now, I would like to think I've grown and matured over the years and as an adult, those things wouldn't describe me anymore. I am not a spiteful person, but I like control in my life. It's my comfort. After many many many MANY years of suffering from anxiety (It started in 1st grade) I have found that I've made many habits to control my ANXIETY, when in turn, I am also accustomed to some habits that by default control those around me too. Prime example, I am usually the driver when we go places. Why? Because it's comforting to me to be behind the wheel. I've spent many years trying to work through those habits and to let go of the control a little bit more. It leaves me in a place where I am comfortable giving in to allowing others to have their say in what makes THEM comfortable too. This change occurred when I really was awakened to having a relationship with God. I've been a believer all of my life, born and raised Lutheran. I went through the motions as a child, never quite "got" it until my daughter Acilia was in Kindergarten. The light bulb went on and I gave my life over to the One and ONLY God. It was a whirlwind from the start. My whole life changed, my feelings about things changed, standards I set for myself have changed, the way I treat people has changed. I whole heartily believe I have grown to be a better person. There is a part of me that is still me though, that selfish, defiant little brat comes out once in a while and though I do understand that is my "root", it's also what I am trying NOT to be. It's easy to be kind to people in the outside world. It's easy to smile at someone who's action has just inconvenienced my day, because I don't have to see them again and we can both go on with our day. That person possibly knowing what Grace looks like, me knowing that I handled myself in a Godly way. It's a feel good type of experience.

Then, I come home. My home, my intimacy, where I strip away the "look" of the day and get into my "ugly" self. This is the person my husband sees. He sees me when I am relaxed and unguarded and vulnerable. I take what he says so literally and that is a thorn in our relationship. He's a joker, he says things to ruffle feathers and to get a rise and to push buttons. I know this about him, and I still can't control my reactions. That bothers me to my CORE! I am a put together person, I thrive on being my best and then at my worst, my husband is the first person that brings out my roots. The selfish, the stubborn, the ugly words that hurt.
I loathe that side of me, and I loathe that my husband sees it in me. I loathe that he thinks that's who I am, when I so desperately try to genuinely change and have been successful at it with everyone, BUT him.

Who am I? I so naturally can be graceful out in the world, dealing with thousands of people each day and smiling the whole way, and then I come home and the one person whom I said my vows to, I can't be my changed self. I am broken because of it. It eats away at my soul. I would love nothing more than to be the person I am to the outside world, it comes 100% naturally in that setting. Why can't I naturally reveal that to the man I am married to? My husband is my trigger. He pushes me to my limit of patience most times and when I break, I either take it out on him, or I distance myself. I find that distancing myself atleast helps me to not say things I regret, but it also does not fix things either. Double edged sword, lesser of two evils.

I realize that these are feelings I could probably keep to myself. Infact, they are feelings I've kept to myself for years. However, when something spends a lot of time in my mind, I am a firm believer it's probably on someone else's mind too, which is precisely why I am sharing this. If my words can help even one other person, I am fulfilling my calling to encourage others.

Enjoy your weekend Friends!