2013 Articulate

My word for 2013 was "Articulate". I can't say I accomplished what I meant to accomplish when I chose that word. I did however, learn. I learned that to be heard and understood, I need to hear and understand. Choosing the word "Articulate" was perhaps a tad bit amateur. A little backwards. That is true to my personality, I do things backwards quite regularly. Pulling the cart before the horse is sort of the way I've done things all along. I've been working on changing that though. Sometimes it's great to be ahead of myself, most times it's not and there is logic to why things are the way they are. Articulate is a word for down the road, but for now, I have settled on a more practical word for 2014. One I am thrilled to announce....
Tomorrow. The first day of the new year. In the meantime, best wishes and many blessings on your New Year!

If you would like to catch up on my "One Word" posts, here they are!

2013 http://heguidesme.blogspot.com/2013/01/one-word-2013.html

2012 http://heguidesme.blogspot.com/2012/01/one-word-2012.html (Previous posts often don't show the pictures I added, a technology blip that I don't care to fix)

2011 (The first year I participated in "one word") http://heguidesme.blogspot.com/2011/01/one-word-my-word.html

Mixed messages

Have you ever thought you were following God's will, but then suddenly thrown a curve ball that makes you not so sure how to act in the face of new circumstances?

This is my life as of late! We have had our house on the market for close to 6 months. The things that have happened in that 6 months have left me completely lost as to what our next move needs to be. I won't put you through all of my thought processes, but there are HUGE differences in a few different paths and honestly, each one of them could be deemed "God's will" because I have worked to quiet my heart to hear God's message. Tried is the key phrase. Each time I have what I think is a clear direction, another perspective comes in and I am left wondering which is meant for my family. I am one that looks for "revelations" in my day. I am always thrilled when one appears to me because it usually makes my next move crystal clear. That to me is God's voice. I have come a long way in figuring out the "whole picture" before jumping into something that I can't get out of, I am diligently riding this one out as the whole picture is made clear, but my head is spinning with all of the possibilities!

Doula tid bits

I am a Doula. My heart and soul bleed for mothers and I want nothing more than to be there for each and every one of them! I take my job very seriously, I work to be supportive of the choices that you have made and I work to help you and advocate for the decisions you will make in the future as well. My job begins the moment I have been contacted, and I am available to work with moms as they establish a nursing relationship with their infants. It's my calling!

What does a Doula do? A Doula is a crucial part of your birth team. Not to replace a spouse or partner, but to be an asset to the birth experience as a professionally trained, hands on support person. Simply speaking, it's helpful to have dedicated people in the birth environment who's only job is to help the laboring mother stay comfortable and focused on bringing her baby into this world. My favorite quote regarding Doulas: "If Doula were a drug, it would be unethical not to use it" -Dr. John H Kennell. To me it sums up the work of a Doula. Doulas are calm, objective and purposeful. We have been trained to seek cues from the birth parent(s) as to what they need. We are trained to seek ways throughout birth to keep birth moving and to keep the mother calm and focused. We have been trained to work as the liaison in stressful situations and we are here for you. The question is not "Do I need a Doula?" The question is "Which Doula is right for me?" There are many different types of women out there who have devoted themselves to the sacred work that a Doula does. We all have different backgrounds and we all have different offerings. Think about what helps you and comforts you as a person, and think about what you would need in those struggles and then seek out a Doula that will compliment that need for you.

I have written up a little "theory pep talk", hopefully it will inspire you! Think of it as "free professional advice" :)

Did you know giving birth is normal? Did you know anxiety about delivery is also normal?

That's right! Women, have been designed to have an egg meet sperm, and with that, to create and grow a human life within the womb and then yes, give birth. There are many ways to give birth. There is a right way and a wrong way for each and every woman that experiences pregnancy. That way is a personal experience and one that works with instincts as well as desires. Please know, when the plans are all laid out, the baby decides to be born, and guess what? Plans change. Oh yes they do! Each and every single birth is different. Reminds me of snowflakes. Each one unique in it's own special way. Just like women. I'm sure you've heard before that women are made to give birth. It's a fact. There is a lot of fear linked to giving birth. Most every birth has some level of anxiety related to the thought of having a baby. It's completely understandable. It's not everyday that our bodies partake in a marathon that is unlike any other. All of the preparations possible, and there can still be surprises. Birth is unpredictable. But, what if I told you I think I have something that can help. I bet you've read through some great pregnancy books! I've experienced two pregnancies of my own and that's always the first thing I go for when I get that positive pregnancy test. I want to sponge up all things birth related for the next 9 months and I want to eat, sleep and breathe the miracle that is growing inside of my belly. (excuse me, for the more technical folks out there, the miracle that is growing in my uterus)

Would you find it a little odd if I told you, along with those pregnancy books, to pick up a book on anxiety? You see, I have a long history of dealing with anxiety. There are a few things that helped. One was reading about anxiety and one was finding out how classic my symptoms were. It was like I could check mark each and every symptom that was listed in those books and I felt like, “Wow! If I am feeling this way and feel so alone right now, there must be many others who feel this exact same way”. Most importantly, I learned that my anxiety could not hurt me. It was unbearable at times, but I lived through it. I learned to embrace it, without fighting against it anymore, to just accept that I am a person with anxiety and that I have the tools necessary to coast through it until it passes. Much like labor and delivery. Each and every contraction is like a “wave” it works it's way through and then it vanishes. I've heard many women say they attempted to give birth without medication and then they panicked and then they made quick decisions based on relentless fear of what was going to happen next. Panic and birth simply can not work together. It's a disaster for anyone that's experienced it, because you are shaken. Your confidence runs to hide in the corner and you are left to feel helpless and in dire need of something to make it go away. Panic is a very real emotion. Panic almost always will get a person to want to get up and just run away without looking back. Anxiety has taught me though, you can't outrun it. And you certainly can't outrun birth. You are there, you have no choice, when that baby is coming out, there is no stopping it. How will you deal with that? It's helpful to be prepared for these feelings of fear. If you have ever felt fear before, which I can assume we all have. What did it feel like? What calmed you? Do you remember? If not, I am hoping you have some time to search that one deep in your soul.

Birth and fear go hand in hand, the more you channel what calms you and empowers you, the better you will be suited to seek the birth you desire. When all else fails, let go and give in. Rest in the fact that you have done all you can to prepare, and now, it's just time to journey through it and make it out on the other side holding that little one that made it all worth it!

Just a few thoughts

I've been formulating this post in my mind for weeks. The perfect words come and then when it's time to sit down and write, the words escape me. How do I adequately describe how my heart feels as I watch my children grow up and know this isn't the world I brought them into? How do I take my 10 year old daughter who has known nothing other than Christian education and put her into a public school where every time I turn around I am hearing about common core and how kid's at young ages are getting sex education from Planned Parenthood, the same company that promotes and actively kills over a million babies each year through abortion. Do they really care about teaching my innocent daughter about safe sex or do they have their revenue in mind? I wanted to homeschool. I looked in to homeschooling, it feels like I am being called to it, but I always talk myself out of it. It feels like a fantasy to me, I get myself excited about the awesome potential, but then I realize this is not all fun and games and I don't have the stamina to keep up with schooling my own children. Is it too much to ask that God stays in our schools? What damage could that possibly do? Christ means, grace, self control, truthfulness, serving others, joy, and much more. Which of those is not a quality that America would like to see in the future generations? Why do parents like me, have to fight so hard for our children to be at school where we have faith our children are learning morals and not the latest sex positions? When will this tolerance for shoving God to the side and the tolerance for destructive behaviors end? Why is it OK to bully the citizens of America into doing things that go against religious convictions. Why would Hobby Lobby be forced to pay astronomical fines just because they don't support paying premiums for birth control, Hobby Lobby is a private owned company, started in a garage, the way a lot of American Dreams have started and they have the constitutional right to stand up for what they believe is right. Why are they being punished? Right and Wrong are very different things. If you are doing in your heart what is right, why is there no reward, but ducking your head and going with the flock that is misinformed and living in the dark is accepted. Wake up America! My kids are suffering from this and I can't raise them alone! I look to schools who get the privilege to share teaching my children and they need to take it seriously and stand up for what is right too! We as a country need to stand up to this government that is overrunning the morals that built this country and it sickens me that taking my child out of private school and putting her in public school is nothing less than putting her in a lion's den in many ways. It's not just schools. It's everywhere. I was watching Channel 5 a few weeks ago. I won't even say I was watching it, it was on for background noise. I was sitting in my kitchen going about my business when suddenly an ad for a night time TV show came on and clear as day this question was asked "So, if you are gay, how did you and mom have sex?" Honest to good gracious! Who allows this to be on daytime TV?? Why is it ok for a commercial to open up a can of worms for Lord knows who is watching and leave it to the flabbergasted parents to pick up the pieces when little ears happen to hear that poignant phrase. Is there no better way to advertise? Is this what we have come to? To add salt to the wound, I wrote a strongly worded letter to NBC to explain my disgust, and I have yet to hear back from them. I've come to find opinions are only welcome, if they happen to fall in to the perspective of one side and one side only. Anyone else can take a seat at the back of the room to be ridiculed for trying to grasp one last shred of dignity that this country has left.

So, here I am, with a heavy heart as my children grow and my ability to shelter their souls is dwindling as they blossom and gain more independence. My son started Kindergarten today, I know he will be OK because he is attending the same school my daughter attended and this school is the best around! It's not funded by the taxes, it's funded by the church and the parents who pay tuition, so the parents have an active role in what happens behind the doors of that school. As it should be. 

And, my daughter, who is starting school at a public school tomorrow for the first time in her school career, I am comforted by the fact that the office ladies have Jesus paraphernalia on their desks and that last year's school play production was Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat, I am pretty well assured she will be in good hands too. But not all students are so blessed and that hurts my heart too. 

Parents, listen up for a brief second, take an active role in your children's education! These people are helping to mold your child's future and no matter where you are, educate yourself on what exactly you are getting with that tax money of yours. If you have a love for God, stand up for God because everywhere we look, God is being shut out, we are the LIGHT, we must not let it be dimmed. This country will go up in flames and our future generations of off spring will be left to clean up the pieces of a grim future! Remind your kid's that what they are taught at school is often not Biblically correct, pull out those Bibles and read scripture regularly and pray regularly with them and for them and for their schools! Teach them what is right by God's standards, not what is accepted by society's standards. Stay strong fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, our fight has only just begun!

Traditions

It's been a quiet summer revelation wise. I was thinking recently about how it's been a while since God has whispered something awakening to me. Perhaps He realizes I am feeling bittersweet about my children having such big changes this year, perhaps I was getting a break from the deep thoughts. That was the case until today anyway. Acilia and I went to a memorial to honor the mother of two women we know. Listening to the personal stories of this woman and just being in a room filled with people who loved her, it got me thinking about traditions. There was someone that got up to represent the friends in Florida, which was where the deceased had resided for many years with her husband. She had gifted new neighbors with cookies and built relationships the old fashioned way, with time and consideration. I started pondering what things will look like when my generation (20-30 year olds) is at the age of death. I can't even count how many times "life was busy" has been used as an excuse for not keeping in touch with someone! Life seems to have gotten a lot busier. I wonder how that will affect traditions. As a country it is becoming apparent that changes are being made. God is getting put under the radar in many ways where He was boldly apparent in the past. Even funerals have a Biblical map that's followed. I then began pondering how Atheists handle funerals, without the promise of Heaven as their comfort.

My eyes were opened. Something woke up inside of me that gave me a strong desire to cherish my relationships old and new, and to hold fast to traditions and to God, and to pray for this country as I do believe that things have gone downhill in many ways, however God can and will stay in control and for that I am thankful to love such a powerful and almighty God!

What am I up to?

Things changed quite drastically for me recently. I was planning to apply the Associates Degree in Nursing program this fall, which would mean I would have had my first nursing class this summer. Imagine my bit of confusion when my heart switched gears and I did some research and found out I don't have to be a nurse to be a Lactation Consultant. I was rather excited about this, and relieved I figured this out BEFORE applying to the program! As much as I want to help women and I want to be involved in lot's of baby delivery experiences, the thought of being the "nurse" had me a little uncomfortable. A big part of it was I wanted to be more focused on each patient. I knew as a nurse, I would be splitting my time between multiple patients. This was a big thing for me, I like to give people attention, I like to know their story, I like to not rush them. Imagine my surprise when I was online one day and I found a doula workshop being held blocks away from my house? Can we say MEANT TO BE?!?! I was hooked immediately and signed up! A long weekend in February was spent at a workshop. It was a Friday-Sunday event that if I counted hours attended it was about 30 hours of my time. It was a LONG few days. But it felt right. I walked out of that workshop trained and ready to get started. I hit the ground running by setting up my doula page on Facebook  and I've been working on building a network ever since. It's exciting and it feels right, but it's also something I need to have patience on, because I am still working to educate most people on what a DOULA is?! Simply put, a doula is "a woman who is trained to provide support to women and their families during pregnancy, childbirth, and the period of time following the birth". Doula work for me, is a liaison between stay at home mom and educated IBCLC (my ultimate goal is to be a certified lactation consultant). I envision my journey in doula work to help mom's in labor and delivery and then continue working with them post partum and into their nursing relationship. To build a real bond and friendship with moms. In the meantime, I am in the process of becoming a La Leche League leader, which I can work as for 2 years to help fulfill another "check" off the IBCLC list. 

This by no means says that I am done with school though. I was working diligently towards getting into nursing school, which means I have some college credit under my belt. Why would I stop now? I am about halfway to my associates degree, I've decided to get Associates in Arts and then move into a Bachelor's in Psychology. I felt Psychology was a great partner to all that women feel as they adjust to hormone fluctuations and a new and overwhelming life when baby arrives. 

It all works perfectly together and I like that I can work right away as a doula. The only downfall for me, is I don't do well as a "self employed entrepreneur" I don't have that "sales pitch" savvy that others seem to have to build a business, but I do trust that God is leading my path and the rest will fall into place!

Two hands

Happy birthday my sweet little girl! You are 10 today !!

10 years ago on this day, I became a mother. I was a young mom at the ripe old age of 22. It feels like ages ago. There were many things that came naturally to me, being that my mom ran a home daycare from the time I was 2. Other things, like cutting those little teeny tiny baby toe nails that were not so natural the first few times. I didn't write out a birth story, perhaps I should have. However, there are many things that I will never forget.

I remember:
-Craving oranges through my pregnancy!!

-Walking around for weeks dilated to 5 cm's and 80% effaced, feeling like I was going to give birth on the side of the road. I was terrified!

-Camping out on my yoga ball constantly for that last few weeks of pregnancy, partially hoping to dilate more, but more because it was soooooo comfy!

-Wondering when I was going to go into labor and praying my water would break, so I would *know* was in labor (it never did!)

-At 38 weeks and 1 day getting a back ache that felt "off" so I took that as my cue to go to the hospital.

-I remember walking into L&D and having the nurses look at me like I was nuts, because I was smiling and had walked myself up, but I told them I thought I was in labor.

-I remember moving into a room, getting all gowned up and them checking me and I was 6.5 cms, so I got to stay!

-I remember being asked if I wanted an epidural. (I did) And the nurses telling me "You are going to want to get it now, because the doctor is going to come in and start some pitocin to get labor moving" I wasn't about to argue at the time! I was "scared" of the pain!

-I remember the anesthesiologist coming in and being taken aback by my smiley self. He said I was the happiest laboring woman he had ever seen :) :) :) It was just because at that point, I totally didn't need the epidural, but my fear of "what was to come" was keeping me from telling them I didn't think I needed one.

-I remember getting a catheter before my epidural kicked in and feeling MISERABLE within minutes. That was the worst part up to that point. I was not a happy girl!

-I remember they did internal monitoring and my little girl was moving around, so I felt the wire tickling my legs.

-I remember feeling my water trickle every time she moved and getting so grossed out. Ha! I would make a face every time I felt it and I had my mom and my hubby in the room with me, I think it was amusing to them!

-I remember being complete and having a little bit of pressure. So, it was showtime!

-I remember the movie "What Women Want" was on and I was watching it and giggling between pushes!

-I remember pushing for 40 minutes and then meeting you!!!!!!!! It was 1:08 am!


-I remember (embarrassing as it is) when you came out, saying "That was like popping a huge zit!" (Oh yes, I did, and I still cringe when I admit it, but it is kinda funny!)

-I remember the joy of your birth was short lived, because I started hemorrhaging shortly after you were born.

-I don't remember much from this point on, but as lethargic and out of it was I was feeling at the time, I could feel the somber mood in the room. My parents were there at the time, my hubby was with our newborn baby and from what I was told, it was very scary for everyone around.

-I remember that mashing on the abdomen and vomiting from the pain. It was awful awful awful!

-I remember being wheeled into the OR and vomiting before I was out.

-I remember waking up alone, with an oxygen tube in my nose, crying. I called my brother, who was at home waiting to hear news. Apparently they had taken me to mother baby when my whole family was waiting for me in Labor and delivery.

-I remember being taken to Labor and Delivery and being emotional and upset that I was so puffy. They pumped fluids into me and I was told I almost lost my uterus because the bleeding got so bad.

-I remember being given 2 pints of donor blood.

-I remember at 7:30 am FINALLY being able to hold my baby girl. She was perfect and she latched on right away like a little trooper!

-I remember gazing at her with such love and adoration!

-I remember mentioning that her skin tone looked a little blue.

-I remember the nurses whisking her away from me. :( She was immediately taken to NICU. I never really found out what was wrong, other than they thought it might be an infection.

-I remember feeling so alone, because she stayed in NICU while I was bed ridden in my room. But making the best of it with visitors :)

-I remember 9:30 that night, I insisted they take me to see her, even if it meant wheeling me there in my bed. Which is exactly what they did!!

-I remember them placing her on my belly and her sweet little body wiggling up all the way to my face, where she nuzzled into my cheek and starting sucking on me. That was our bonding moment. It was the moment that I knew I was all she would need and that we were going to be great buddies! (Which is so very true, 10 years later)

-I remember my first time out of bed, telling the nurse I felt ok, until I passed out while sitting on the toilet and when I woke up there was a bathroom FULL of nurses to help and me saying I was having a nice dream! The nurse that was helping me that day came back the next day and told me I about gave her a heart attack! Ha!

-I remember going home without my baby. But being lovingly greeted by our poodle, which was my "first baby" :)

-I remember feeling so weak from the blood loss and felt so sad that I couldn't have her with me, but I was determined for her to get my momma milk, so I brought home a rented pump and pumped away.

-I remember going to see her and feed her for the two days she was in the NICU and then finally getting to bring her home!!

-That is where our journey began.
Acilia Rhiann was born June 20th and 1:08 am, 7 pounds, 1 ounce and 20.5 inches long. She was 13 days early :)