It's been a while

Let's get this part out of the way, I haven't written in ages. No reason other than I haven't been moved to visit this space, I am sincerely sorry.

I am moved to write today. This is something I've been chewing on for a bit, and then while reading an article about why not to leave the church (completely different topic for another day) there is a quote at the end and boom, I had the itch to write!

Here's the quote: " If the Church is going to continue reforming, it will be because of the ones who stay— not the ones who leave."

Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/church/5-reasons-you-shouldnt-give-church#ulXdyqFporAy9Jwt.99

Now, replace the word "church" with "public school" My oh my we've been hearing a lot about public schools! I grew up going to one, but my kids hadn't experienced public schools due to our own family decision to send them to a local private Lutheran school. I didn't feel I had a right to discuss current public school conditions, because we were not seeing it first hand, so it's impossible to get my facts straight about something I don't know personally.

Our dynamic changed last year, when our daughter, the oldest, Acilia began attending a public school. It was not out of distaste for the school she was attending, but for us, we felt it was best to get her into a public school so she can establish friendships that she will carry into high school. You see, the private school we found to be the best fit for us, is a 25 minute drive from our home. This is sad really, I would love to have found one we love that is closer, but it's very slim picking, which is fine, God led us and we went with it and we were blessed. With a 25 minute commute to school, what you have are great friendships, that you never see outside of school, because those friends live all over, and none of them live close.

Over the last two years, I have had my eyes opened to what is going on in public schools. The school my daughter attends is actually the same school *I* attended when I was her age. There is the sentimental value that is sacred. Then you have what appears to be great morals and values. Awesome! Until this year, there are things that I will not detail here, but there are things that have led me to believe without a doubt, that "politics" have gotten to our little school and it's a BIG problem. So big in fact, that the mother in me would love to pull my daughter out and to homeschool or better yet, get her right back in to her Lutheran school that was "home" for years.

I can't do that though. There are two reasons why:
1. Because God led us to be exactly where we are. God's plan is for our daughter to be in public school and this is the exact public school that she is meant to be in. So, biggest reason being I listened to the Holy Spirit.

2. If we pulled her out, there would be no chance to make change. If you don't like something, "then leave" is the common thread mentality in today's society and friends, it's very very dangerous. Pushing people out that disagree with your perspective, is a way to single handedly change things in your favor. That is the "weak man's method" I won't walk away. It's too risky. Schools of today, NEED push back, they need people who are willing to speak up about how negatively these subtle changes are going to play out if they keep up. The squeaky wheel gets the oil right? Well, fellow Christians, I don't know about you, but I've always been taught to be "quiet" about my faith, live my life the way I want, others live their lives the way they want. Yes that's true to an extent, but here's the thing, being quiet is not helping our cause! Again without going into too much detail about what's happening at our particular school, things are changing and our youth is at stake. These are the kids who will raise families someday and to have their schools teaching them to believe one certain way, "Opinion based, not historically based" it will have future consequences for all of us.

The good news is, God is on top of this already! I am comforted knowing, no matter what I do, God will do it better. However, as a Jesus loving child of God, I will be sure God's light is everywhere we are. And pray, we pray daily about our schools, that the teachers have Jesus in their hearts and are willing to set a Godly example in their classrooms. Public school or not, we need God everywhere.

Join me in asking Him to be a strong presence where others are trying to push Him out.

I pledge Allegiance,
to the flag,
of the United States of America.
And to the Republic,
for which is stands.
One Nation,
Under God,
Indivisible
With Liberty
and Justice
For All.

AMEN!

One word 2015; my word

I LOVE this commitment each year. I am still in shock that it's 2015 and, for record keeping sake, my husband entered the hospital on the last day of 2014, so I almost feel as though we are in a time capsule, we completely skipped over our traditional New Year's Eve celebration and instead replaced it with lab work and a visit to the Northwestern Memorial Hospital ER which then led my husband to be admitted on the 11th floor. Organ floor. Yes, looks like kidney failure again. I will try to update when we have some answers, for now we are in the waiting game to decide what the course of action will be.
We are strong, and I have no doubt we will get through this, the love and support of our family and friends that comes with a health crisis never ceases to amaze me and because of my husband's health history, I dare to say these bumps in the road are expected, even though they are never pleasant. God is with us.

My word for 2015 has been pondered and meditated over for the last few weeks. I was truly settled on a word, that I was going to announce a few days ago, but with all that's been going on, I didn't get around to it. Guess what, this morning, a word came BLARING at me, so if I would have announced my other word, I would have had to change it. It was that clear that my word for 2015 is to be:

B-I-B-L-E. 

(In case you were wondering, my word was GOING TO BE "Home", but now, it's not as fitting and maybe I will save it for another year)

So, 2015, my word is BIBLE.

God has been urging me to get more acquainted with my BIBLE. He has been faithfully and quietly urging me to pick it up much more regularly and I am looking forward to this year's journey.

Here is a great excerpt from my daily devotion email from Lutheran Church Charities, if you haven't subscribed to the devotional emails, I encourage you to do so.

"So when Bible reading becomes unrewarding, we quit. As a result we feel guilty and become spiritually weak and discouraged. Your soul can no more thrive without God’s Word than your body can thrive without a daily intake of food. The Bible says, ‘He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord’ (Deuteronomy 8:3). One of the dangers of the iPhone and Twitter is that you begin to live on ‘hits’ of information and short messages limited to 140 characters or less. This creates spiritual ADD (attention deficit disorder). God cannot be reduced to a limited word count or a few hurried moments in your day. To prosper, you must meditate day and night on the Scriptures (Psalm 1:1-3). You say, ‘But I don’t have time to read the Bible.’ How much time do you spend each day watching television? Hours? If you find television to be rewarding, but not God’s Word, your soul is in need of intensive care! If you want to change your life, change your habits and start reading the Bible. Job, who had more trouble than any of us will ever see, said, ‘I have not departed from the commands of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread.’

Prayer
Heavenly Father, help me this year to set aside time each day to read Your Word so that in You I can be strengthened to face the various things that life throws at me each day. In Your Precious Name, Amen"

Feel free to share your word for 2015 in the comments!! I would love to hear them!

Instagram is the place to be!

I haven't blogged in ages, it's hard to do when you have your phone in your hands as your source of media, and my typing skills on the phone are sorely lacking!

Well, it's fun to find a few of my favorite bloggers over @ Instagram, and I wanted to extend the invite to find me there as well :)

I can be found at Karriesmilesalot

See you there!

And then it hit me!

Friends, it's been a while since I have been feeling led to write. Today, I have a message. I've been suffering inside. I've been feeling, discontent, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, stress overall, just miserable. I kept moving forward, day by day, keeping that smile on my face and my optimistic perspective, but deep down, it's been less than desirable.

Things in life are getting in my way of happiness, or so that is the mask that I've been allowing myself to believe. Until today. I have some clarity. The enemy wants to pull people away from God. The closer you get to God, the harder the enemy tries to get between you and the TRUTH. Until this moment, I was allowing that to happen, through confusion and chaos, I was leaving a door wide open to allow darkness to come in and steal the relationship I have with the Lord. My guard is up again and I am holding on to my faith. It's a daily choice, lightness or darkness. I have found I can't let my guard down for even a second, because Jesus is the only way for me to see TRUTH in each day. A walk with the Lord is a faith filled walk, but it's a walk that must be committed to with the help of the Holy Spirit.

"The enemy is like the weeds in a garden, if you don't tend to the flowers faithfully, the weeds sneak in and overtake the beauty of the garden. The weeds are always lurking and creeping, if they aren't uprooted they flourish and they overtake what's been planted. But, it's never too late! You can clear the weeds and the beauty of the garden comes back looking better than ever! Just like with God, every day is new." -Karrie Viscogliosi

You see, I wasn't always so close to God. I didn't work to build a relationship with God until about 5 years ago. And, that's when my life changed. I was so enamored with a life that was filled with the Holy Spirit, which has been and continues to be such a blessing! As with everything else though, I go all in and my reality and logic gets cluttered when I am excited about something new and now, the realities of day to day living have once again snuck in.

God is so good about holding my hand through this life and I am so thankful that no matter what I am feeling, I always have Him to lean on. He's been gently urging me to read my Bible and I humbly admit, I have ignored the gentle urges. The Bible has been the missing link. It has all of the answers I need, the answers I have been seeking from places outside of the Word, the Scripture, the Life Book.

No wonder I've been missing a key piece of my happiness, I've been allowing life and all if it's hectic busyness to keep me away from The Word of God. His whispers have turned much more audible and honestly, I finally picked up that Holy Book. One night I wasn't able to sleep, I was filled with anxiety and I just needed some peace. I picked up my book.

Once, a few years back, I was told, if you don't know where to start, when you read the Bible, start with getting to know Jesus. The books Matthew, Mark, Luke and John are a great place to start. So I have.

God is always there for me, he always knows just what to say, and He always knows how to get that loud and clear message to me. I will hold on to that, and trust in the Lord with all of my heart, and with all of my soul and with all of my mind. (Proverbs 3:5)

God moments

I like to think that my heart is open to whatever God needs me to do.

To back up a little bit. One day at the beginning of this school year, I was driving home. I happened to pass a woman I know that was walking her dog. It was raining and I had a spare umbrella. I did what came naturally. I parked my car and walked up to her to offer the spare umbrella. She looked a bit surprised and confused by my presence, and then she refused my umbrella offer. We did stand and talk for a few minutes to catch up and then I went on my way. I left the experience feeling a bit embarrassed. Then, I ran into her last week and she came up to me to say that she had been meaning to tell me how much of an impact on her that little meeting meant to her. She went on to say that she had a lot going on in her life and she was deep in thought and then I showed up. She said, my presence reminded her that God is always there. God used me.

Today I was in the car driving with my family. I noticed an unleashed dog and then a boy and his mom approaching it. The dog had the look in his face like he wasn't going to be an easy catch and as we drove by, I saw him run across the street and then the owners ran after him. I knew I had to stop to help. I pulled around the block and parked my car. I got out and walked towards the side walk. He was running right to me. The boy yelled to me "Can you grab my dog?!" I let out a whistle and he came right to me. I grabbed his collar and praised him for coming to me. The boy and his mom caught up, breathless and shaken. God placed me in that moment to help.

At church tonight, we were walking out. Two girls approached my husband. He sent me and the kids to the car. He stayed with them for a few minutes and then walked to the church with them. When he got in the car, he informed me that one of the girls had run away from her home a few days ago. They were 30 miles from home and they had no place to go. She was scared and didn't know what to do. He said he knew someone that could help, and then he brought them into the church and introduced them to our Pastor. I went in to check on the situation and to see if there was anything else we could do to help. We offered to drive them home. The church is such a great place to bring someone that is feeling lost, they are trained to handle these exact situations and I was honored to see that training unfold.

I love nothing more than to help others. God takes regular every day people like you and me and He uses us. I truly feel if your heart is open to this mission, He will place you in the right place at the right time. Ask Him what you can do to serve Him. He will guide you through His work.

Utterly mortified!

Ouch! I am embarrassed to admit what just unfolded before my very eyes, but in order to own up to it, and perhaps enlighten someone else, I will share what just happened.

The way our house is, the front NEVER gets used. We enter and exit through the back door, and the front is merely there for drive by appeal. There is one person that faithfully visits the front of my house every day except Sunday. That is the mail carrier. We live in a neighborhood that has walking mail people. Just to paint the picture for you.

Our front steps are in bad shape. We weren't going to fix them because our house was up for sale, but guess what, the sale fell through and they have further declined. In fact, word to the wise, don't use them if you are visiting, I question their safety. We are getting this fixed this spring, it's on the top of the priority list. Just waiting for the carpenter to have free time in his schedule to come do the job! To add salt to the wound, I was HORRIBLE about keeping them clear of the snow this winter, and when we received a notice that we must keep them clear or our mail won't be delivered, I took that as my personal challenge to keep them clear. Since then, each time the white stuff has descended upon us, I have made my way outside to sweep my steps and put salt on them to boot!

Now, I must confess, I don't get my mail everyday. Call it pure laziness if you will. In my defense, there is just nothing fun about the junk mail and bills that we receive, so when I notice our box getting full, I get out there and bring it in to weed through and recycle 99% of it because it's all garbage.

Today, today, today. The day that has prompted me to write and share my embarrassment. My dogs barked, and I noticed the mail carrier at the steps, I happened to glance at her and see sheer disgust on her face. Oh no! She left my mail, it didn't fit in the box, so she just put it on the floor underneath the box. I was about to go get it all in, infact, I had unlocked the door and even opened it. Then I was overcome with the fact that she makes her way back up the block when she's done delivering and I was mortified so I figured I would wait 5-10 minutes to let her leave the area. I thought I was so clever. Until a minute or two later, she was back on my porch. And about 30 seconds after that, my mail was gone! Every last piece of junk mail, my box was empty. She TOOK IT ALL! Disbelief took over me! I couldn't believe what just happened! I had put her over the edge, on this cold March day and I don't even know her name.

I am almost positive our mail carrier HATES us and I am the world's biggest JERK!

In true Karrie fashion, I am going to make it all better! I am going to write an apology out to her and try to win her over. Just wait until she sees our brand new steps when the job is complete! Maybe I will name them after her! :)

2014- My word

I really enjoy choosing one word to work as my learning theme throughout each year. It's a tradition that I started a few years ago, when given the idea on KLOVE. Resolutions can be daunting, but ONE WORD is manageable. I am introducing my word for 2014. That word means a lot to me, and it's been showing itself loud and clear to me. I need to be quiet and still and LISTEN to those around me. My family, my friends, my acquaintances. My 2014 word is Listen.

lis·ten

ˈlisən/

verb

1. 1.

   give one's attention to a sound.

   "evidently he was not listening"

   synonyms:

   hear, pay attention, be attentive, attend, concentrate; More

noun

1. 1.

   an act of listening to something.

2013 Articulate

My word for 2013 was "Articulate". I can't say I accomplished what I meant to accomplish when I chose that word. I did however, learn. I learned that to be heard and understood, I need to hear and understand. Choosing the word "Articulate" was perhaps a tad bit amateur. A little backwards. That is true to my personality, I do things backwards quite regularly. Pulling the cart before the horse is sort of the way I've done things all along. I've been working on changing that though. Sometimes it's great to be ahead of myself, most times it's not and there is logic to why things are the way they are. Articulate is a word for down the road, but for now, I have settled on a more practical word for 2014. One I am thrilled to announce....
Tomorrow. The first day of the new year. In the meantime, best wishes and many blessings on your New Year!

If you would like to catch up on my "One Word" posts, here they are!

2013 http://heguidesme.blogspot.com/2013/01/one-word-2013.html

2012 http://heguidesme.blogspot.com/2012/01/one-word-2012.html (Previous posts often don't show the pictures I added, a technology blip that I don't care to fix)

2011 (The first year I participated in "one word") http://heguidesme.blogspot.com/2011/01/one-word-my-word.html

Mixed messages

Have you ever thought you were following God's will, but then suddenly thrown a curve ball that makes you not so sure how to act in the face of new circumstances?

This is my life as of late! We have had our house on the market for close to 6 months. The things that have happened in that 6 months have left me completely lost as to what our next move needs to be. I won't put you through all of my thought processes, but there are HUGE differences in a few different paths and honestly, each one of them could be deemed "God's will" because I have worked to quiet my heart to hear God's message. Tried is the key phrase. Each time I have what I think is a clear direction, another perspective comes in and I am left wondering which is meant for my family. I am one that looks for "revelations" in my day. I am always thrilled when one appears to me because it usually makes my next move crystal clear. That to me is God's voice. I have come a long way in figuring out the "whole picture" before jumping into something that I can't get out of, I am diligently riding this one out as the whole picture is made clear, but my head is spinning with all of the possibilities!

Doula tid bits

I am a Doula. My heart and soul bleed for mothers and I want nothing more than to be there for each and every one of them! I take my job very seriously, I work to be supportive of the choices that you have made and I work to help you and advocate for the decisions you will make in the future as well. My job begins the moment I have been contacted, and I am available to work with moms as they establish a nursing relationship with their infants. It's my calling!

What does a Doula do? A Doula is a crucial part of your birth team. Not to replace a spouse or partner, but to be an asset to the birth experience as a professionally trained, hands on support person. Simply speaking, it's helpful to have dedicated people in the birth environment who's only job is to help the laboring mother stay comfortable and focused on bringing her baby into this world. My favorite quote regarding Doulas: "If Doula were a drug, it would be unethical not to use it" -Dr. John H Kennell. To me it sums up the work of a Doula. Doulas are calm, objective and purposeful. We have been trained to seek cues from the birth parent(s) as to what they need. We are trained to seek ways throughout birth to keep birth moving and to keep the mother calm and focused. We have been trained to work as the liaison in stressful situations and we are here for you. The question is not "Do I need a Doula?" The question is "Which Doula is right for me?" There are many different types of women out there who have devoted themselves to the sacred work that a Doula does. We all have different backgrounds and we all have different offerings. Think about what helps you and comforts you as a person, and think about what you would need in those struggles and then seek out a Doula that will compliment that need for you.

I have written up a little "theory pep talk", hopefully it will inspire you! Think of it as "free professional advice" :)

Did you know giving birth is normal? Did you know anxiety about delivery is also normal?

That's right! Women, have been designed to have an egg meet sperm, and with that, to create and grow a human life within the womb and then yes, give birth. There are many ways to give birth. There is a right way and a wrong way for each and every woman that experiences pregnancy. That way is a personal experience and one that works with instincts as well as desires. Please know, when the plans are all laid out, the baby decides to be born, and guess what? Plans change. Oh yes they do! Each and every single birth is different. Reminds me of snowflakes. Each one unique in it's own special way. Just like women. I'm sure you've heard before that women are made to give birth. It's a fact. There is a lot of fear linked to giving birth. Most every birth has some level of anxiety related to the thought of having a baby. It's completely understandable. It's not everyday that our bodies partake in a marathon that is unlike any other. All of the preparations possible, and there can still be surprises. Birth is unpredictable. But, what if I told you I think I have something that can help. I bet you've read through some great pregnancy books! I've experienced two pregnancies of my own and that's always the first thing I go for when I get that positive pregnancy test. I want to sponge up all things birth related for the next 9 months and I want to eat, sleep and breathe the miracle that is growing inside of my belly. (excuse me, for the more technical folks out there, the miracle that is growing in my uterus)

Would you find it a little odd if I told you, along with those pregnancy books, to pick up a book on anxiety? You see, I have a long history of dealing with anxiety. There are a few things that helped. One was reading about anxiety and one was finding out how classic my symptoms were. It was like I could check mark each and every symptom that was listed in those books and I felt like, “Wow! If I am feeling this way and feel so alone right now, there must be many others who feel this exact same way”. Most importantly, I learned that my anxiety could not hurt me. It was unbearable at times, but I lived through it. I learned to embrace it, without fighting against it anymore, to just accept that I am a person with anxiety and that I have the tools necessary to coast through it until it passes. Much like labor and delivery. Each and every contraction is like a “wave” it works it's way through and then it vanishes. I've heard many women say they attempted to give birth without medication and then they panicked and then they made quick decisions based on relentless fear of what was going to happen next. Panic and birth simply can not work together. It's a disaster for anyone that's experienced it, because you are shaken. Your confidence runs to hide in the corner and you are left to feel helpless and in dire need of something to make it go away. Panic is a very real emotion. Panic almost always will get a person to want to get up and just run away without looking back. Anxiety has taught me though, you can't outrun it. And you certainly can't outrun birth. You are there, you have no choice, when that baby is coming out, there is no stopping it. How will you deal with that? It's helpful to be prepared for these feelings of fear. If you have ever felt fear before, which I can assume we all have. What did it feel like? What calmed you? Do you remember? If not, I am hoping you have some time to search that one deep in your soul.

Birth and fear go hand in hand, the more you channel what calms you and empowers you, the better you will be suited to seek the birth you desire. When all else fails, let go and give in. Rest in the fact that you have done all you can to prepare, and now, it's just time to journey through it and make it out on the other side holding that little one that made it all worth it!

Just a few thoughts

I've been formulating this post in my mind for weeks. The perfect words come and then when it's time to sit down and write, the words escape me. How do I adequately describe how my heart feels as I watch my children grow up and know this isn't the world I brought them into? How do I take my 10 year old daughter who has known nothing other than Christian education and put her into a public school where every time I turn around I am hearing about common core and how kid's at young ages are getting sex education from Planned Parenthood, the same company that promotes and actively kills over a million babies each year through abortion. Do they really care about teaching my innocent daughter about safe sex or do they have their revenue in mind? I wanted to homeschool. I looked in to homeschooling, it feels like I am being called to it, but I always talk myself out of it. It feels like a fantasy to me, I get myself excited about the awesome potential, but then I realize this is not all fun and games and I don't have the stamina to keep up with schooling my own children. Is it too much to ask that God stays in our schools? What damage could that possibly do? Christ means, grace, self control, truthfulness, serving others, joy, and much more. Which of those is not a quality that America would like to see in the future generations? Why do parents like me, have to fight so hard for our children to be at school where we have faith our children are learning morals and not the latest sex positions? When will this tolerance for shoving God to the side and the tolerance for destructive behaviors end? Why is it OK to bully the citizens of America into doing things that go against religious convictions. Why would Hobby Lobby be forced to pay astronomical fines just because they don't support paying premiums for birth control, Hobby Lobby is a private owned company, started in a garage, the way a lot of American Dreams have started and they have the constitutional right to stand up for what they believe is right. Why are they being punished? Right and Wrong are very different things. If you are doing in your heart what is right, why is there no reward, but ducking your head and going with the flock that is misinformed and living in the dark is accepted. Wake up America! My kids are suffering from this and I can't raise them alone! I look to schools who get the privilege to share teaching my children and they need to take it seriously and stand up for what is right too! We as a country need to stand up to this government that is overrunning the morals that built this country and it sickens me that taking my child out of private school and putting her in public school is nothing less than putting her in a lion's den in many ways. It's not just schools. It's everywhere. I was watching Channel 5 a few weeks ago. I won't even say I was watching it, it was on for background noise. I was sitting in my kitchen going about my business when suddenly an ad for a night time TV show came on and clear as day this question was asked "So, if you are gay, how did you and mom have sex?" Honest to good gracious! Who allows this to be on daytime TV?? Why is it ok for a commercial to open up a can of worms for Lord knows who is watching and leave it to the flabbergasted parents to pick up the pieces when little ears happen to hear that poignant phrase. Is there no better way to advertise? Is this what we have come to? To add salt to the wound, I wrote a strongly worded letter to NBC to explain my disgust, and I have yet to hear back from them. I've come to find opinions are only welcome, if they happen to fall in to the perspective of one side and one side only. Anyone else can take a seat at the back of the room to be ridiculed for trying to grasp one last shred of dignity that this country has left.

So, here I am, with a heavy heart as my children grow and my ability to shelter their souls is dwindling as they blossom and gain more independence. My son started Kindergarten today, I know he will be OK because he is attending the same school my daughter attended and this school is the best around! It's not funded by the taxes, it's funded by the church and the parents who pay tuition, so the parents have an active role in what happens behind the doors of that school. As it should be. 

And, my daughter, who is starting school at a public school tomorrow for the first time in her school career, I am comforted by the fact that the office ladies have Jesus paraphernalia on their desks and that last year's school play production was Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat, I am pretty well assured she will be in good hands too. But not all students are so blessed and that hurts my heart too. 

Parents, listen up for a brief second, take an active role in your children's education! These people are helping to mold your child's future and no matter where you are, educate yourself on what exactly you are getting with that tax money of yours. If you have a love for God, stand up for God because everywhere we look, God is being shut out, we are the LIGHT, we must not let it be dimmed. This country will go up in flames and our future generations of off spring will be left to clean up the pieces of a grim future! Remind your kid's that what they are taught at school is often not Biblically correct, pull out those Bibles and read scripture regularly and pray regularly with them and for them and for their schools! Teach them what is right by God's standards, not what is accepted by society's standards. Stay strong fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, our fight has only just begun!

Traditions

It's been a quiet summer revelation wise. I was thinking recently about how it's been a while since God has whispered something awakening to me. Perhaps He realizes I am feeling bittersweet about my children having such big changes this year, perhaps I was getting a break from the deep thoughts. That was the case until today anyway. Acilia and I went to a memorial to honor the mother of two women we know. Listening to the personal stories of this woman and just being in a room filled with people who loved her, it got me thinking about traditions. There was someone that got up to represent the friends in Florida, which was where the deceased had resided for many years with her husband. She had gifted new neighbors with cookies and built relationships the old fashioned way, with time and consideration. I started pondering what things will look like when my generation (20-30 year olds) is at the age of death. I can't even count how many times "life was busy" has been used as an excuse for not keeping in touch with someone! Life seems to have gotten a lot busier. I wonder how that will affect traditions. As a country it is becoming apparent that changes are being made. God is getting put under the radar in many ways where He was boldly apparent in the past. Even funerals have a Biblical map that's followed. I then began pondering how Atheists handle funerals, without the promise of Heaven as their comfort.

My eyes were opened. Something woke up inside of me that gave me a strong desire to cherish my relationships old and new, and to hold fast to traditions and to God, and to pray for this country as I do believe that things have gone downhill in many ways, however God can and will stay in control and for that I am thankful to love such a powerful and almighty God!

What am I up to?

Things changed quite drastically for me recently. I was planning to apply the Associates Degree in Nursing program this fall, which would mean I would have had my first nursing class this summer. Imagine my bit of confusion when my heart switched gears and I did some research and found out I don't have to be a nurse to be a Lactation Consultant. I was rather excited about this, and relieved I figured this out BEFORE applying to the program! As much as I want to help women and I want to be involved in lot's of baby delivery experiences, the thought of being the "nurse" had me a little uncomfortable. A big part of it was I wanted to be more focused on each patient. I knew as a nurse, I would be splitting my time between multiple patients. This was a big thing for me, I like to give people attention, I like to know their story, I like to not rush them. Imagine my surprise when I was online one day and I found a doula workshop being held blocks away from my house? Can we say MEANT TO BE?!?! I was hooked immediately and signed up! A long weekend in February was spent at a workshop. It was a Friday-Sunday event that if I counted hours attended it was about 30 hours of my time. It was a LONG few days. But it felt right. I walked out of that workshop trained and ready to get started. I hit the ground running by setting up my doula page on Facebook  and I've been working on building a network ever since. It's exciting and it feels right, but it's also something I need to have patience on, because I am still working to educate most people on what a DOULA is?! Simply put, a doula is "a woman who is trained to provide support to women and their families during pregnancy, childbirth, and the period of time following the birth". Doula work for me, is a liaison between stay at home mom and educated IBCLC (my ultimate goal is to be a certified lactation consultant). I envision my journey in doula work to help mom's in labor and delivery and then continue working with them post partum and into their nursing relationship. To build a real bond and friendship with moms. In the meantime, I am in the process of becoming a La Leche League leader, which I can work as for 2 years to help fulfill another "check" off the IBCLC list. 

This by no means says that I am done with school though. I was working diligently towards getting into nursing school, which means I have some college credit under my belt. Why would I stop now? I am about halfway to my associates degree, I've decided to get Associates in Arts and then move into a Bachelor's in Psychology. I felt Psychology was a great partner to all that women feel as they adjust to hormone fluctuations and a new and overwhelming life when baby arrives. 

It all works perfectly together and I like that I can work right away as a doula. The only downfall for me, is I don't do well as a "self employed entrepreneur" I don't have that "sales pitch" savvy that others seem to have to build a business, but I do trust that God is leading my path and the rest will fall into place!

Two hands

Happy birthday my sweet little girl! You are 10 today !!

10 years ago on this day, I became a mother. I was a young mom at the ripe old age of 22. It feels like ages ago. There were many things that came naturally to me, being that my mom ran a home daycare from the time I was 2. Other things, like cutting those little teeny tiny baby toe nails that were not so natural the first few times. I didn't write out a birth story, perhaps I should have. However, there are many things that I will never forget.

I remember:
-Craving oranges through my pregnancy!!

-Walking around for weeks dilated to 5 cm's and 80% effaced, feeling like I was going to give birth on the side of the road. I was terrified!

-Camping out on my yoga ball constantly for that last few weeks of pregnancy, partially hoping to dilate more, but more because it was soooooo comfy!

-Wondering when I was going to go into labor and praying my water would break, so I would *know* was in labor (it never did!)

-At 38 weeks and 1 day getting a back ache that felt "off" so I took that as my cue to go to the hospital.

-I remember walking into L&D and having the nurses look at me like I was nuts, because I was smiling and had walked myself up, but I told them I thought I was in labor.

-I remember moving into a room, getting all gowned up and them checking me and I was 6.5 cms, so I got to stay!

-I remember being asked if I wanted an epidural. (I did) And the nurses telling me "You are going to want to get it now, because the doctor is going to come in and start some pitocin to get labor moving" I wasn't about to argue at the time! I was "scared" of the pain!

-I remember the anesthesiologist coming in and being taken aback by my smiley self. He said I was the happiest laboring woman he had ever seen :) :) :) It was just because at that point, I totally didn't need the epidural, but my fear of "what was to come" was keeping me from telling them I didn't think I needed one.

-I remember getting a catheter before my epidural kicked in and feeling MISERABLE within minutes. That was the worst part up to that point. I was not a happy girl!

-I remember they did internal monitoring and my little girl was moving around, so I felt the wire tickling my legs.

-I remember feeling my water trickle every time she moved and getting so grossed out. Ha! I would make a face every time I felt it and I had my mom and my hubby in the room with me, I think it was amusing to them!

-I remember being complete and having a little bit of pressure. So, it was showtime!

-I remember the movie "What Women Want" was on and I was watching it and giggling between pushes!

-I remember pushing for 40 minutes and then meeting you!!!!!!!! It was 1:08 am!


-I remember (embarrassing as it is) when you came out, saying "That was like popping a huge zit!" (Oh yes, I did, and I still cringe when I admit it, but it is kinda funny!)

-I remember the joy of your birth was short lived, because I started hemorrhaging shortly after you were born.

-I don't remember much from this point on, but as lethargic and out of it was I was feeling at the time, I could feel the somber mood in the room. My parents were there at the time, my hubby was with our newborn baby and from what I was told, it was very scary for everyone around.

-I remember that mashing on the abdomen and vomiting from the pain. It was awful awful awful!

-I remember being wheeled into the OR and vomiting before I was out.

-I remember waking up alone, with an oxygen tube in my nose, crying. I called my brother, who was at home waiting to hear news. Apparently they had taken me to mother baby when my whole family was waiting for me in Labor and delivery.

-I remember being taken to Labor and Delivery and being emotional and upset that I was so puffy. They pumped fluids into me and I was told I almost lost my uterus because the bleeding got so bad.

-I remember being given 2 pints of donor blood.

-I remember at 7:30 am FINALLY being able to hold my baby girl. She was perfect and she latched on right away like a little trooper!

-I remember gazing at her with such love and adoration!

-I remember mentioning that her skin tone looked a little blue.

-I remember the nurses whisking her away from me. :( She was immediately taken to NICU. I never really found out what was wrong, other than they thought it might be an infection.

-I remember feeling so alone, because she stayed in NICU while I was bed ridden in my room. But making the best of it with visitors :)

-I remember 9:30 that night, I insisted they take me to see her, even if it meant wheeling me there in my bed. Which is exactly what they did!!

-I remember them placing her on my belly and her sweet little body wiggling up all the way to my face, where she nuzzled into my cheek and starting sucking on me. That was our bonding moment. It was the moment that I knew I was all she would need and that we were going to be great buddies! (Which is so very true, 10 years later)

-I remember my first time out of bed, telling the nurse I felt ok, until I passed out while sitting on the toilet and when I woke up there was a bathroom FULL of nurses to help and me saying I was having a nice dream! The nurse that was helping me that day came back the next day and told me I about gave her a heart attack! Ha!

-I remember going home without my baby. But being lovingly greeted by our poodle, which was my "first baby" :)

-I remember feeling so weak from the blood loss and felt so sad that I couldn't have her with me, but I was determined for her to get my momma milk, so I brought home a rented pump and pumped away.

-I remember going to see her and feed her for the two days she was in the NICU and then finally getting to bring her home!!

-That is where our journey began.
Acilia Rhiann was born June 20th and 1:08 am, 7 pounds, 1 ounce and 20.5 inches long. She was 13 days early :)

My baby is gone!

My daughter left for horse camp yesterday. She left a 9 year old and will come home a 10 year old. Horse camp was a "last minute" thing and it's the worst timing I could ever have dreamed, but it was "right" and we rolled with it. At the end of the school year, a flyer came home for walcamp. I half heartily looked at it, and then I spotted a "HORSE CAMP" option. I mentioned it to Acilia and lo and behold, she said she would LOVE to go. Acilia is a child who needs her momma. She has been this way since she was a teeny tiny baby. Momma's girl through and through. She has stated many times she has separation anxiety. So imagine my surprise when she so enthusiastically stated she was game for a week away from home! I was hoping to find a friend that would go with her, since this is her first time away from home, I wanted her to go to the week at the end of July. We had no luck in finding anyone to go with her, and then a we found out a friend of her's from school, one of her best friends actually, was signed up with her older sister. That was my cue. I had to let my baby go! As I said the timing is not great, we had about a week to prepare for this and she left on FATHER'S day. That irked me a bit! What also irked me was the fact that her birthday is this week and she was scheduled to come home the day AFTER her birthday. My baby has never been away from us on her birthday! She didn't seem to mind at all, so again, we went with it. I was in utter shock, but I wasn't about to let her know that. A part of me expected her to change her mind at some point. And then there we were, a day before she left, packing her bags. I was in denial and I was feeling anxious, but she maintained excited anticipation, so I went with it!

Yesterday, Horse Camp day came, we drove about an hour away and then checked her in and then...then...then...we left. That's right, we left her there. As planned, but I did NOT really expect it would be that way! I expected her to get there and decide not to stay and come home with us! But she didn't! Infact, she gave me a huge smile and a sweet hug good bye!

She is doing it! She is away from home and this is her second night there, and I haven't heard from her, which I take as a good sign! I still can't believe it, but I've been praying for her A LOT, so I know all is well! We've heard so many times that people have the best memories of summer camp and I am thrilled that my daughter is experiencing something so special! Even though I wasn't ready for it. Oh and the best part, we decided it would be OK for me to pick her up around dinner time on her birthday. It's the last day of horse camp and all she's missing is the last morning where check out is at 11 am. So she is excited and I can't wait to go pick her up and give her a big birthday hug!! In the meantime, we are giving Miles some extra attention and he will get to sleep over at Grandma and Grandpa's one night! 

Ch-ch-changes

The end of the school came and went so fast, if you blinked, you may have missed it. We made many great memories over this past year and the last day of school were no different. Acilia's class knew she would not be returning next year, so the teacher gave her the class "horse" puzzle. So appropriate because they know her so well and know she loves horses. The teacher also had each child in Acilia's class sign a card for her. We will cherish it. It brought me to tears, so very sweet!! 

I took the same exact picture on Acilia's first day at St. John's in 2nd grade. This is her on her last day of 4th grade/ last day attending St. John's

Miles on his last day of preschool. He saw this bear at Walgreens and insisted since he's a "Graduate" that he should get that bear. 

The end of this year was HEAVY though. I had been praying for and hoping for major changes so our family could feel more stable and more like a family.

A little background to that comment. Al is a self employed electrician. He works whenever the calls come in, which most of the time is around the clock. Take last night for example, he was up at 1:15 in the morning, to go work at a bar (have to work around the bar hours you know!), then went on to complete a full day of work and walked in around 6 PM. Other times, he will work a full day, come home for a few and then pop out again for an emergency call. Those are just a few examples. Bottom line, he's never home during "family business hours" and most certainly isn't home for dinner, however, when he is, he's usually not hungry because he's in the habit of having a late lunch because he doesn't like to eat when he's running around busy. So, family dinners go out the window. This house is our first home and we had no idea what we would want in a house. What I miss, is an eat in kitchen. Our home is all "boxed rooms" meaning, no open concept, or seeing into another room from one room, so the idea of eating at a TABLE with ample seating for everyone feels like a dream! I hear all of the time how family dinners are so very important and I fully agree, however, that is a non existent thing in our house based on Al's schedule and our eating accommodations. This needs to change. I dream of it changing and I am not sure Al's schedule is going to change anytime soon, but as a mother, I have the desire to atleast sit with my kids while we eat. Well, when are *are* home in time for a meal that is homemade, here's how it goes, the kids get their food first, they retreat to a place to sit (usually in the family room with the TV on) *MOTHER OF THE YEAR RIGHT HERE!!* and then I get my plate together and sit down on one of the 2 bar stools in my kitchen, I have the TV and the computer in front of me. I take a few bites, then one of the kids comes in for their second helping (or their dessert depending on how much they disliked the dinner, which is a common occurrence). I sit down again to take a bite or two and then the second child comes in. We get into a "grind" sort of attitude during the school year. My 2 hours a day driving schedule for Acilia's school was going to be done, because Acilia was going to be starting at a new school, closer to home (part of my master plan to simplify our life). However, I did something, at God's urging of course, I signed Miles up to attend school where Acilia was going. It feels 100% right, but at the same time, he will be attending half day Kindergarten next year, and that means I will be spending my mornings close to the school (20-25 mins from our house) so I don't have to drive home and turn around to pick him up. Craziness! I am wired for craziness though. As much as I crave "stable, quiet, stay at home mom" I go stir crazy if we stay home too long. I mean if I am home for a whole day without getting out of the house, I am pacing like a caged animal! ! So, finding a balance of out of the house and home to enjoy being domesticated, is a FINE line. One I have yet to find. In the meantime, the school year has ended. I wasn't ready for this. My kids are both meeting major milestones next year and I was holding onto the school year for dear life, which is not like me! I wait for summer all year long! Miles attended the same school for 3 years. He "graduated" and will start Kindergarten at a new school next year. (Cue the teary mom!) and then Acilia finished at her school and will be starting MIDDLE SCHOOL next year. She has been in private school her whole "career" and will be going public next year, which means school buses and "scary, mean" kids. Ha ha! Not really, but my mind is having a field day with this, and I know it's paranoia at it's finest, but there is a small (big) part of me that wants to take my kids and run for the hills and hide out somewhere and home school! Wow! This post is all over the place! See what happens when I don't blog my thoughts for a while? A big jumbled up mess of thoughts!

On top of all of that, our home is officially for sale! I've waited 5 years for this and it's here! We've had one showing in two weeks on the market and I know God will be gracious to us and His timing is perfect.So the lack of "traffic" in the home hasn't been too unsettling. As crazy and jumbled up it seems on paper, it all actually makes perfect sense and the timing is perfect too! I feel at peace with our choices and I know God is leading us through this.

We have started fun summer activities! We started the summer by going to a local arboretum that we love!! I actually signed up for a membership while we were there, so we can enjoy going a lot more. 

On top of the predicted numerous arboretum visits, Acilia will be leaving us for 5 days! She leaves on Father's Day and comes home the day after her 10th birthday. This will be her first big trip away from home and she is going to a Christian Horse Camp. We *know* she will be in good hands, but my mom heart is having trouble with this one! She will be away from us as she celebrates the milestone of turning double digits. Plus she has dealt with separation anxiety for a few years and this is a HUGE step! I am so proud of her, she has really blossomed over the last year, so I trust that she will enjoy her time away!! I pray the time passes quickly :) 

On top of all of that news, Acilia has started horse lessons at a new barn. The class is more advanced, they focus on cantering and jumping. She LOVES it, it's a great challenge for her and overall, we've been very happy with this new change. However, it's just that. Another change. We loved the barn she took her lessons at and then like a snap of a finger, we found this new barn and made the change, because we knew this opening was a blessing and we had to follow it!

Acilia's life long passion is horses!!

Life is crazy, but it's good!

A Poem

To women who yearn to be a mother-

I have special thoughts for you today.

On Mothers day, you may feel alone-

just know it isn't that way.

We never know our future-

but there is someone who does;

He is our Father in Heaven-

who holds you in high regard.

There may be no explanation-

why you haven't a bundle to love

I will tell you this dear lady-

those moments that feel hopeless

are sure to make sense one day.

You will see a blessing from above-

it may not be what you expected;

but it will come and you will know

You see, Mother's day is about mothers

and that is something you wish to be!

Something that you heart impassions

the day could come, you pray it does

God is listening.

In the meantime, just know

you are a mother in my eyes!

                                         -Karrie Viscogliosi

National Day of Prayer

Lord be with my family and friends today. Fill their hearts with peace, love and strength to conquer the day ahead. Let them feel you close to their hearts. Lord, keep our children safe today and work in the heart of evil that is present around us. We pray that good always outshines the bad and that you unarm anyone and anything that works to tear this beautiful country apart. I pray this in Jesus name, Amen!

Home tour

As part of our "get the home ready" for the big for sale sign in the yard (May 13th is the day!!) I took some pictures of the house for our listing. Some of these pictures you may have seen before, I have done "photo tour" link ups in the past. Most of the pictures were taken by me, the ones that look like a "fish eye" were from my very talented friend Amy Aiello Photograpy, she did a photo tour of my home a few years back when we wanted to sell, but since I have changed some things, I wanted to update most of the pictures!

Back entry way, this is how we enter the home 100% of the time.

Kitchen, was completely gutted and remodeled when we bought the house

Downstairs bath. I believe it once served as a pantry. When we bought the house, there was a full size tub and shower in it, but I wanted it gone, so the room appeared bigger.

Dining room (staged as you may remember from recent posts!)

I can not wait to get a new comforter set! This one is U G L Y !

Acilia's room

Miles' room

"Bonus room" which was listed as a 4th bedroom when we bought the house.

Upstairs bath

Hubby put a stackable washer/dryer in my upstairs bath, I will admit, I won't like if  our next house doesn't have this option!

Staging

As you know, I've been wanting to sell our house for atleast 5 years, I've spent most of that time preparing it for sale, so now, that the time is here, there isn't all that much to do. (THANK THE GOOD LORD!!) I had decided that we would not be bringing our dining room set when we move, so when that SOLD my husband suggested we should probably put *something* in the room, so it's not completely empty. As much as I was enjoying the empty room, I knew he was right. So I set out to find something to put in the room, I was looking for accent furniture of some sort, I struggled a bit because I didn't want to buy anything that would match this house, because I am not sure how we will be decorating the next house and I didn't want to buy furniture that we wouldn't use for more than a few months. I have a favorite consignment boutique that sells housewares, so I thought it would be a good idea to look in there. Lo and behold, I found something! A little table with two chairs set. It doesn't match the house, yet it doesn't NOT match either and I've made it work I believe! :)

Now that our dining room isn't bare, I decided to move into the family room. That room was mostly decorated, but it needed a little toy clean up (we stashed toys behind the couch and that had to go!) The toys are cleared and I moved the couch away from the wall. There is a new wall hanging behind the couch and now I thought it would be nice to put a floor lamp between the wall and the couch. Ambiance right?

What's great is that the items I have purchased to "stage" the house, can easily be used in the future, because it's all neutral enough! And, better yet, it didn't break the bank! The Table and Chairs set was only $164. The shop marked it down while I was there!! (SCORE!) and the lamp was only $80 from Homegoods, where most other floor lamps I saw there were $200! (SCORE!!)

Stay tuned for the day we put the sign up in the yard!! I can't wait!!